Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors
by Kohari
Summary: IT'S BACK! Revised and Reposted. Shame. Yeah, the BladeBreakers get bored, too. Come on, read it! Ya know ya want to...
1. Intro

**Jokes, Clichés, and Metaphors!**

Kohari: Okay. This was taken off once, but it's back, for all of you that I know loved it! And just so it won't happen again, I'm changing it so that it's not in chat/script. Sorry, but…be happy! It's back!

NOTE: DISCLAIMER IS IN EFFECT FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE STORY!

Situation: Tyson's house. Kai's off training (sarcastic "big surprise"), Kenny's in the kitchen typing away on Dizzi, Hilary's at her house, and Max, Ray, and Tyson in the dojo (Tyson's leaning outside the slide door), bored to DEATH!

Tyson is drawing little pictures in the dirt covering the porch, sighing every two seconds. All of a sudden, he hops onto his knees. "Let's do something!"

Ray responds. "Like what?"

Tyson again sighs and gives up. "I dunno."

"Me either." (Ray)

Tyson notices Max over in a corner of the dojo, being quiet and thoughtful (how strange). "What do you wanna do, Max?"

Max is silent, as though in a trance.

"MAX!" Ray shouts, startling Tyson and arousing Max.

"Huh?" Max snaps out of it. "Hey, guys, if love is like a red, red rose, doesn't that mean it dies?"

Tyson and Ray look at each other. Ray finally answers. "Yeah. It's also sharp and pointy."

"Maxie, you okay? You're acting kinda strange?" Tyson asked, concerned.

"If you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, why do you want them in the first place?" (Max)

"And why do girls like jerks?" (Ray)

"Hey, this is fun! Let me try one! Okay, if the truth shall set you free, why does it get us in so much trouble?" (Tyson)

The boys start really getting into it. Ray puts in another thought. "If life is like a box of chocolates, why doesn't it always taste good?"

Tyson jokes, "Hey, where's the cream filling!"

Max licks his lips hungrily. "Mmm…chocolate…"

At that point, Kenny rushes in, clutching a piece of paper. "Okay, guys – Algebra problem: Two cars are on opposite ends of a 650 yd parking lot. If Car A heads due west at 54 mph, and Car B heads due east at 63 mph, when will the two meet?"

Ray is the first to respond, "It doesn't matter if they're not wearing their seatbelts!"

Tyson and Max gasp at the remark. "They're not wearing their seatbelts!"

The three of them burst into hysterical laughter. Irritated, Kenny launches Hopper, and the boys stop laughing, all gazing at the top as though hypnotized.

Kenny asks another question, trying desperately to get their brains working. "If the blade spins at three rotations per second, what is its velocity (by the way, this is a trick question; velocity has a set direction)?"

Tyson wonders aloud, "Why does it need Mary Kay (copyrighted, no own.) moisturizer?" Max and Ray begin to laugh uncontrollably and Kenny leaves, shaking his head and wondering if there was something he missed.

THE END!

Kohari: Somehow, it's just not as funny as the first time. When it's written out like this it's not as random. That sucks. Oh well. Let me know if I should continue again.


	2. Philosophy Atrocity

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
**Chapter Two: Philosophy Atrocity

Situation: Kenny's in the hospital, and Max, Ray, Tyson, Kai, and Hilary are in the hospital room (probably to make sure he didn't eat any of the hospital food). I think it's time they lightened up the mood.

Kenny reaches out for his laptop. "Must...work...need...Dizzi..."

Hilary slaps his hand with a nearby rolled-up newspapter. "No. You're here to rest."

Kenny withdraws his hand. "Aw, man..."

(Tyson) "This is boring! We need to do something. This is worse than last time!"

(Kai) "Your no-boredom philosophy doesn't work here, Tyson."

This gets Max to thinking..."Philosophies...Hey, you guys thinkin' wut I'm thinkin'?"

(A/N: That the little pink bunnies are secretly plotting to take over the world by inserting cotton balls in our ears while we sleep?)

(Tyson) "I think it's time for some new philosophies."

Hilary takes my normal state of mind: confusion. "What's going on?"

Ray is the one to answer. "It's kinda like a game. Here, I'll start. In the Sun Tzu Chinese art of warfare, know thine enemy, know thineself, and you shall win. If both sides think that way, you win alright. A kick in the -ss.

Hilary still doesn't get it.

(Tyson) "My go! One bad turn deserves another, and another, and another..." He keeps on going.

"Okkaaaaayyy..."

Tyson still continues.

"Uhhh..."

Kenny weakly tells them he wants to try.

(Ray) Sure, Chief, go ahead.

Tyson is still going on with his last phrase, but Kenny ignores this. "By law of retaliation, what one does to you, you may do to the one who did it. How can a dead person kill anyone?"

This was so lame, it even made Tyson shut up. "Not funny."

It is at this point that Hilary finally "gets it".

"You just now figured it out?" Tyson asks her, then goes back to repeating, "And another, and another..."

Kai slaps Tyson. "Shut up. We get it."

Hilary decides to get back at Tyson. "God made the rivers, God made the lakes, God made Tyson, but we all make mistakes."

(Tyson) "That was mean."

Hilary smiles in a smart-aleck way.

(Max) "I know one! Reduce the competition. Reuse middle school reports. Recycle the grades."

Of course, Kenny has a problem with this. "That's not right."

Tyson puts an arm on Max's shoulder. "Max doesn't have any moral standards."

Max brushes him off. "More than you!" comes the retort. The two get in a squabble, and Hilary sweatdrops.

"Come on, you guys!"

(Kai) "Leave them alone. They can't help it, the naive -beep-."

Ray gets back on-topic. "Find a penny, pick it up, then all day, you'll have...a penny!"

Max and Tyson stop fighting. "Where's a penny?"

Kai gives a semi-quote from 'As You Like It'. "'All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely actors. Hold on, I wasn't told of any play." All around him become hushed. Tyson is the first to speak up.

"Was that Kai actually trying to be funny?"

(A/N: Dang. Who knew the apocolypse could come so quickly?)

Hilary adds her two-cents, "Money isn't everything. It just buys it. Did I get it right, Kai?"

Before he has time to answer, Max says, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me."

A few doctors enter the room and drag Max out, who goes kicking and screaming that he was kidding. All silently watch until the door closes. Ray gets up.

"Well...I think it's time we got going."

Hilary bids Kenny good-bye and Tyson gets a mischievous look in his eye. "I'll take good care of Max..."

(Ray) "Uh-oh."

Kai takes Tyson by the back of his shirt and drags him out of the room. "Someone needs to take care of you."

Everyone but Kenny leaves.

* * *

Kohari: Well, there's numbuh 2 for ya. I didn't expect6 reviews for the revision. Wow. Thank you so much, guys! I love you people! You so totally rock! I'll try to get chapter three revised ASAP n get it up before Christmas...j/k. I'll get it up b4 then. Have no worries. Until then, TTFN! (You gotta luv Tigger!) 


	3. School House Rock

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
**Chapter 3: School House Rock!

Situation: School was already out in the other two chapters, but we're just now celebrating it! Use your imagination; you decide where this takes place. As for who all's here, well...

Max is resting his chin in his hands. "I'm bored again. At least at school we always had something to do."

Tyson is horrified at his remark. "Don't talk like that, Max!"

(Kai) "He's got a point, there, Tyson."

Everyone looks at their captain as if to say, "He talked?" Hilary admits that she misses it.

Tyson turns to her. "You too, Hilary? Everyone's lost it! School sucks!"

(Ray) "That's mean, Tyson."

Tyson folds his arms in a pout. "So? It's true. Why's everyone gangin' up on me?"

Maxie knows a way to pass the time. "It's-"

Everyone joins in. "Beyblade School House Rock!"

(Ray) "We seem to be doing this a lot lately."

Time to learn! Oh, yeah, I guess I should mention that Kai's not doing any of this enthusiastically.

Max starts it off with definitions. "Rabbits - nature's multiplication tables!"

(Tyson) "Or square tables!" He and Max begin to recite their squares. Ray moves on to History.

"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but boredom is the father of inspiration."

(Hilary) "Good one, Ray."

Max and Tyson have gone up so high this time, I don't even know what the number is. Ray calls out randomly, "Square root of 928437464758!" This makes the two shut up to think. Yeah, they're stumped. I am, too...

Kenny makes a comment of his own. "The classrooms themselves are a joke on their own."

Meilin from Cardcaptors walks in. "I tried to tell everyone that! They're freezing!"

Tyson wonders aloud where she came from. She snaps at him. "That's not the point. What I want to know is if Hypothermia's part of our curriculum!" She leaves.

"Okaaaaaay..."

Kenny, of course, just HAS to say something. "Technically, it IS part of the curriculum, since we learn about it in Health class."

Hilary all of a sudden appears out of nowhere, shouting, "Man, I hate periods!" This confuses everyone around her, so she explains. "It's bad enough I have one every month, but there's another one at the end of every sentence, not to mention the periodic table!"

(Tyson) "That was scary...and random."

Hilary snaps back at him. "Fine! I try to have a little fun with you guys, but look what happens -" She continues to rant, even with Tyson trying to correct himself by compliment her on her joke.

(A/N: I actually said that one in a Keyboarding class...I got alotta laffs off it, too.)

Max suggests she try again, with Ray egging her on. She happily accepts. "I love Nerds and JERKS!"

"Huh?"

"Nerds candy (no own) and Junior Educated Rich Kids!"

Tyson has a sly look on his face. "Uh-oh, Kai."

Hilary gives him the evil eye but blushes. "What's that supposed to mean!"

Kai just watches, not caring. Or do I see a little smile and a blush?

Ray breaks in. "Moving right along...!"

Max introduces us to Literature. "Black as night, white as snow. Night is blue, Snow is...yellow?"

"Ick."

(Tyson) "That was disturbing."

(A/N: Yes. Always remember never to eat the yellow snow. That was a comment from someone in seventh grade.)

Max rubs his fingers through his hair nervously, laughing at his joke, as Kai opened up to the biggest cliche known to all of mankind. "Cleopatra VII - queen of denile."

That was misspelled so you get it if you haven't heard it before, if that's even possible. Everyone once again turns to him. Kai cracked another joke? (A very old and bad one.) Tyson points out how cliche it is.

Kai retorts by saying, "I'm surprised you even know what the word means, Tyson."

Tyson responds to this by sticking out his tongue, then screaming and running when Kai jumps up and chases him around wherever they are. Remember, you decided where it was.

(Max) "What DOES cliche mean?"

Ray answers. "Who cares? (Don't worry, he knows.) Reading isn't included in my allowance."

"You have an allowance?"

Meanwhile, Tyson is still being chased by Kai, screaming audibly, but not entering the area again just yet.

(Kenny) "Suspension is a career-opportunity day."

(Max) "Yeah, the smell of a referral in the morning dominates the need for perfumes and colognes."

Tyson pokes his head in. "Math requires pencil, paper, calculator, and Advil (no own)." He sees Kai coming and runs again. Ray gets up to go get the water hose while Max pumps a Super Soaker (again, no own) that popped out of nowhere. Both leave.

Kenny knows where this is going. "Uh-oh, Dizzi. Here we go again."

"Better get the first aid kit, guys. This could get ugly."

Hilary goes to get the towels, but is hit with a water balloon. "That's it!" she screams as she takes off to get the culprit.

"See what I mean?" asked the all-knowing laptop.

Kenny sighs. "I'll go get the band-aids."

* * *

Authoress's Note: Okay, listen up. Now that summer's here and exams are over (YEAH! WHOOHOO!) hopefully I can rewrite all these in time to get a bunch of the new ones up that I never got to add. I'll try to get those before the originals return. Thanks for understanding, peeps!


	4. Hospitals and Blondes

Jokes, Clichés, and Metaphors 

Chapter 4: Hospitals and Blondes?

Kohari: Okay. I lied. So sue me. Don't take that seriously. You don't necessarily have to read this little blurb, but you probably will anyway. I'm gonna go ahead and rewrite the originals after all, then add the new material. Okay? And some chapters may be different. Also, there will be NO interviews…unless I get some HUGE numbers of reviews demanding it.

To the one who requested a Pokémon interview…I DID have a chapter written a long time ago for it, but they deleted JCM before I had a chance to post it…sorry…

Note: This particular chapter is rated PG-13. Please **DO** **NOT** let children read this…it gets a little dirty…

Situation: Duh, a hospital. Tyson's sick…physically.

Tyson sneezes loudly, blowing snot ceiling-high, receiving disgusted looks from all that happen to be around. Max teases him in a sing-song voice.

"Sneezy, sneezy, achoo, achoo, someone special's thinkin' 'bout you!"

Ray decides to join in, "Yeah, Hilary. Cut it out. At this rate, you're gonna kill him."

"What?"

Max keeps going. "Too bad she didn't say it out loud. Then Tyson could get her back by pulling his ear."

Kenny, unaware of the superstition, asks, "What would that do?"

"Make her bite her tongue," say Max and Ray in unison.

Kenny lectures, "Such superstitious beliefs are questionable, obsolete, and naïve. No serious beyblader would ever even consider such childish -."

Hilary interrupted him. "But I wasn't!" she protested.

"Whatever." (Max)

"It's OK, Hilary. We understand." (Ray)

Tyson breaks into the conversation. "Uh, can we concentrate on my cold now?" He sucks up the snot running out of his nose. "Id's gedding burse."

"Looks like someone needs a little cheering up." (Kenny)

Dizzi agrees. "He's getting cranky."

Ray thinks it's a great idea. "You gonna join in, Kai?"

Kai rudely retorts, "No, thank you." He leaves.

Once he's out of earshot, Hilary mutters, "He's so cold, I'm surprised he doesn't need a sweater." Everyone bursts into laughter.

"Good one, Hil. Heheh." (Max)

"I've got a joke," Ray tells them. "It's mainly directed at Max, even though he's a guy."

"A joke? About me? Oh, boy!" Max, ecstatic, is jumping up and down.

"Why did the three **blondes** jump off the bridge? They wanted to see if their MAXY pads really had wings!"

"That was…disturbing…" (Kenny)

"Did anybody know he was like that?" Dizzi asked everyone.

(All but Ray) "Nope."

Tyson joins in, once again sucking the snot back into his nose. "You want a dumb blonde joke? Here's one. What's a dumb blonde with pigtails? A blow-job with handlebars!"

He receives disgusted looks…

Hilary reveals hers. "Okay, this blonde walks into an electronics store. She asks a clerk how much a specific TV was. The clerk says, "We don't sell to blonds." So she leaves. The next day, she dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store. When she asks the clerk about the TV, he responds, "WE DON'T SELL TO BLONDS." So she leaves. She comes back again the next day with red hair. She asked about the TV and the clerk says, nice and slow, "We. Don't. Sell. To. Blonds." The blonde gets angry, "I came in here as a brunette and a redhead. How did you know I was a blond?" The clerk answers, "'Cause that's not a TV. It's a microwave."

Laughter ensues. Max pouts.

"Why's everyone telling blonde jokes, ganging up on me? What do blondes have to do with sickness, anyway?" He then adds, with the 'lip thing', "I'm not dumb…"

"OK. You tell one." (Hilary)

"Yeah." (Ray)

"No objections here." (Kenny)

"Heheh. If you insist." Max has a mischievous look in his eyes, then begins to sing. "Got a skeeter on my peter, clap my hands. Got a skeeter on my peter, whack it off -!"

Everyone simultaneously shouts, "STOP!" They're debating whether to be disgusted or laugh.

Dizzi has one, too. "Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would duck."

"HUH?"

(Tyson) "I don't get it…" He wouldn't.

(Kenny) "It takes a second to figure it out."

(Hilary) "Oh, a bar!"

"That's what I said," Dizzi pointed out.

Everyone but Tyson understands. "I don't get it," he whines.

"A **bar**…two guys walk **into**…" Ray waves his hands, trying to lead Tyson to the answer after spelling it out.

Tyson thinks about it a second. "Oh!" Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. "I still don't get it."

Hilary moves on, predicting that this could get long. "Okay. Once upon a time, there was a blonde prostitute. Her friend told her it was the "in" thing to put glitter…down there. So she did. Then she goes to a bar. A few minutes later, a white dude walks in. When he comes out, he looks fine. A little while later, a black guy walks in. He comes out, he looks fine. A Mexican walks in. He comes out, and he has glitter between his teeth."

"Eww…"

Kohari: End of Chapter 4! Stay tuned! –picks up remote and clicks, screen goes blank-

Tyson: -invisible to audience- Hey!

Max: How lame. –also cannot be seen-


	5. Max's Comedy Routine

**_Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors_  
**Chapter 5: Max's Comedy Routine

Situation: Everyone is gathered around Max, who is standing where he can be seen clearly and heard well.

"Do any of you out there have pet peevs?" he asks.

They all chorus, "TYSON!" in response, with the exception of Tyson, who is offended by this.

Max continues. "You know what my biggest pet peev is? The term 'dumb blonde'. 'Cause, it only applies to females, ya know? You don't see a guy like me with an IQ of negative 20 walk down the street and say, 'Oh, there goes a dumb blonde.' And contrary to popular believe, we blondes are not dumb…We can talk! Heck, we'll talk you're ears off if you let us!"

Some people let out a few snickers.

"And even if you don't, half the time, we'll follow you around and do it anyway."

Open laughter.

"And we're not stupid. If I had a nickel for every blonde nurse or doctor, dentist, etc, that I have ever seen, I'd be the next Donald Trump."

A few people in the crowd cheer. One girl in the audience jumps up and yells, "I love you, Donald!"

Max has a weirded out look on his face for a moment, but goes on. "That stuff just proves that we're actually kinda smart. We just ain't got no common sense."

Sniggers from the audience.

"Yeah, that's it. Common sense," Max says as he walks around a little. "Ya know, being a blonde, I have my moments, too. Like the time where I was driving with my instructor so I could get my permit. And Heaven HELP anyone who's on the road between the hours of 5 a.m. and 9 at night."

Here's your cue to laugh. Or at least smile…come on, ya know you want to…

"After six months, Heaven help anyone on the road at any given time."

Cue numbuh 2.

"But yeah, I was driving…and he's one of those teachers who'll ask you randomly which sign you just passed to make sure you're paying attention. I was being extra careful, determined he wasn't gonna fail me. The Driver's Ed class ain't that bad, but have you seen those BATHROOMS? Gross."

3.

"I don't even wanna know WHAT they clean with or what in the world that thing haunting the toilet bowl is."

Tyson shouts out, "It's the evil, one-eyed spider from Dimension 12!"

"Well, anyway, we were driving, I was just cruising along…and we passed a sign. And sure enough, he asked me, 'What sign did we just pass?' I was just driving and thinking, 'Hah, you ain't failing me!' so I said, calm and cool, 'A speed limit sign.'"

Max has to pause and wait for Tyson to shut up.

"ANYWAY, he just nodded and looked out the window, then he turned back to me, 'What's the speed limit?' I'm like, 'Yeah, you ain't getting me!' and I answer, '35.'"

Tyson again ruins his train of funny.

"Tyson, shut up!"

He does so and Max continues.

"So he nods again and looks out the window. Then he turns to me and says, 'What speed are you going?'"

4.

"Yeah, y'all have a good evening. And remember to drive safely, 'cause I won't. G'nite, folks!" Max smiles and waves to the audience and takes his exit.

* * *

Kohari: Oh, yeah. This was actually a little routine I did for my Theatre Arts class. And that story with the driving instructor…that was true, I'm sorry to say. Tell me what you think. Anywho, Tootalukers and signing off! 


	6. Common Sense

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
**Chapter 6: Common Sense

Kohari: Yes, a lot of these are altered, and no, I don't plan on putting myself back in them…I don't think. Do you think?

Kai: Shut up.

Kohari: No objections here.

* * *

Situation: Inspired by Max's routine, we're moving right into common sense. I have no idea where they are… 

"Common sense?" (Tyson)

Kai just can't resist the opportunity to bad-mouth Tyson. "Yeah. That stuff you don't have that everyone else does that makes us look smart and you look like the complete and total idiot that you are."

"Oh! That!" Tyson smiles, then realizes that he had just been joked. "Hey!"

"Are we talking about issues with people with no common sense?" Max asks, confused.

"We're talking about the 'Here's your sign' kinda common sense, Max," Ray clarifies.

"You mean stuff like this," Tyson says. "What kind of idiot puts a label on a can of cashews or chocolate covered peanuts that says "Warning: Product may contain peanuts." Duh."

Max has one of his own. "Sleeping Pills – 'Caution: May cause drowsiness.'"

"Here's your sign," Kenny kids.

(A/N: Now might be a good time to mention that I do not own any of this…as stated in chapter 1.)

"Hair-dryers: 'Do not use in shower.'" (Max)

(Hilary) "Deodorant: 'For external use only.'"

Tyson adds, "'Do not apply on broken skin.'"

"How would you know that, Tyson?" Ray asks. "You don't use deodorant."

"I do sometimes!"

"Not today," Hilary comments, waving her palm in front of her face, trying to fan away the smell.

Tyson sniffs his armpits. "Nope."

The others stare at him as though they're ready to puke.

"Here's something that happened the other week," Kenny tried to change the subject back to the theme. "This married couple was at our family reunion, they had just announced their marriage a couple months ago. Well, the small talk began, and the guy puts his arm around the woman and announced, 'My wife and I are pregnant.' One of my teenage girl cousins all of a sudden asks, 'Oh! Whose is it?'"

The gang busted out laughing.

"Oh, I remember this time last month," Hilary began. They couldn't help it. 'Uh-oh…'

"Okay," she continued, "there's this girl in my class who has to be the most annoying little blonde in the world. Anyway, I had forgotten to bring my sanitary napkins and stuff to school, so I asked her if she had any spares that I could use, 'cause she sits right in front of me. She turns around and whispers, 'Oh, you're on your period?' I couldn't stop myself. 'Nah. I spilled some junk on the floor and don't feel like walking up to the teacher's desk to get something to wipe it up.'"

"We shoulda known," Ray shook his head.

"That really wasn't all that funny…" Tyson admitted, receiving a whack upside the head.

"My turn!" Max said, and all eyes turned to him. "OK, Mom lived in a little house in New York City, right? I mean, this was a small neighborhood; there weren't any yards. I was walking up the driveway, just gotten the mail, and this guy had been digging around under the doormat and in the flower pot the whole time I'd been outside. I called out to him, 'Can't find your housekey?' He growls, turns to glare at me, tries to put on a smile and fails, and replies, 'Nope. Just playing a game of hide-n-seek with a grain of dirt.'"

"I would've said invisible microscopic organism," Kenny muttered.

"Ohmigosh. Who was this?" Ray asked through laughter. Max shrugged.

"Shut up; it's my turn," Kai silenced them. "And I'm only telling it so you people will shut up and stop bugging me about participation. I was in my gym at Grandfather's mansion, practicing my techniques. One of my stupid butlers walks in and questions me in that annoying accent, 'Are you training, sir?'"

"Kai does a good impression of a snobby butler," Tyson noticed.

"Can I finish?" Kai barked at him. When Tyson nodded meekly, he went on. "'No, Jenkins. I'm just looking at the pretty colors as the tops spins 'round and 'round in the dish. Testing to see if they all match.'"

"That's pretty good for Kai," Dizzi told them.

"Yeah," Kenny added, sounding impressed.

"Alright. Last one," Ray brought them down to earth. "The authoress has gotta get ready to go somewhere and she can't close this out until we've all told one." (Dizzi doesn't count)

"OK, then. My turn," Tyson interrupted.

"Tyson, you've already told one," Max pointed out.

"Exactly. I don't wanna leave!"

Ray sighed. "Oh, come on, she'll update once she gets seven reviews for this chapter."

"Fine," Tyson pouts, crossing his arms over his chest and puffing out his lower lip childishly.

"OK. As we all know, I come from a small village."

"You do?"

"Yes, Tyson," Ray resists the urge to smack Tyson in annoyance. "Well, my first impression of a McDonald's was ruined when I got here. Haven't been back in one of those filthy places since. (A/N: Me no own McDonald's and this is a joke fic, therefore, we're gonna joke McDonald's. There is no offense meant, and was just a random fast-food restaurant picked out for this joke. Thank you.)"

"Why?"

"I'm about to tell you, Tyson." Ray's tone clearly indicated that he was ready to attack Tyson. "So, Mr. D took me in there that first time I had to come to Japan, 'cause we were gonna be late for the tournament, I hadn't eaten, and he didn't feel like standing in line at the stadium vendors. I ordered one of those combos, ya know? Don't remember which one. But the lady looks at me and asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'"

Ray makes a face like, "DUH!"

Max continues sarcastically, "No, ma'am, and uh, I don't want the drink, either."

"Don't the combos come with fries and a drink?"

"YES, TYSON!" (Altogether now…)

"Please, Kohari, end this now!" Dizzi pleads.

* * *

Kohari: OK, peeps. That's it for now. I need votes as to whether or not I should respond to reviews. And, oh, yeah. As you all know, me and slytherinprincess15 co-author under GoldenGardenFoxes. 

"What I Learned At Genkai's Temple" is a YYH fic that is somewhat like this one. Plenty of laughter. Y'all try to get to that, okay?

Kohari: Well, just thought I'd advertise. I don't have time to type all that I want to say, so...

TOOTALUKERS AND SIGNING OFF!


	7. Hi Again Stupidest Chapter

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors**

Chapter 7

Kohari: Okay. I'm really sorry for the long wait. I promise, I have excuses, I just can't promise that they're good ones. If you're just happy that this thing's back and don't care about excuses, you can skip past the next part. If you demand to know what's been going on, go ahead and read it.

Excuses: 1) I've been going through depression. Yes. I was. There was a lot going on, and no, it didn't have to do with Kaimonetstaska. I was depressed even before she...well, that's a different story. Anyways, I think I'm okay for now, so I'm going to use this opportunity to get the new chapter up. 2) I didn't get the time to convert the old chapters into new ones during vacation due to summer reading for English class. 3) I have two honors classes this semester (3 next semester, look out!), and for some reason, they both want students to do major projects every two weeks. I am NOT exaggerating that, people. But you know how much I love y'all? I'm blowing off writing notes and research to write out this thing Jacqie and I came up with last year.

ABOUT THIS CHAPTER: This is a little thingy Jacqie and I (Golden Garden Foxes) came up with last year. Sorry if it's disappointing. If the majority of reviewers say they would prefer I just start converting the old chapters of JCM again, I will. Anyway, I guess you could call this a parody of "The Wizard of Oz", which I DO NOT OWN! Got it? I don't own it, so don't sue me. Okay? I also did NOT proofread this very well. I didn't have THAT much time, folks. So y'all let me know if there's anything seriously wrong with it. Alright. Let's go! Wait. What should I call it? I got it! Let's title it...

The Wizard of Bey

Original Title: A Weird Day for Strange Happenings

Tyson is fed up with Kai's training. The old captain has teamed him up with Daichi, who was really starting to get on his nerves. All of a sudden, in Tyson's anger, Dragoon's spin picked up, creating a gigantic whirlwind, carrying the team (all except Daichi - heehee!) away, into the sky and over the rainbow.

Then, there was quiet.

* * *

Daichi stared up at the sky. "Hey, guys! Where'd ya go?"

* * *

Tyson's group all wandered, confused, into the new area. Tyson broke the uncertain quiet. "Where are we?' he echoed all their thoughts.

"Well, common sense would tell you we're not in Kansas, Dodo," Kai told him in his usual critical, sarcastic manner, looking around at all the weird buildings half their size and flowers that they didn't even know existed.

Their attention was alerted as Max's scream pierced the momentary silence. His pals rushed around him as his expression portrayed his fear.

"What's the matter, Max?" Ray asked him, placing a hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

Max whimpered in reply and pointed a shaky finger at the ground. All eyes followed it. They gasped. Feet were sticking out from under a house. When they pulled the person out, she turned out to be...Ming-Ming! Kenny cried out her name in panic and checked her pulse. He revealed that she was...oh no. Dead.

"What the-?"

They didn't have time to question what was going on. A bunch of short people came out of their houses and sang and shook the team's hands. They ignored Tyson's comments. "What's with all the midgets?" "Get off me, you freaks!" "Stop touching me!" "Hey, gimme back my beyblade!" and the like.

Suddenly-

"TYSON!"a new voice, louder and shriller than those of the tiny people, boomed. They couldn't figure out where it was coming from; it sounded like it was everywhere. Hilary's face appeared in a cloud of dust.

"Hilary!" Tyson cried in surprise. And a little bit in fear.

"Tyson! You are in so much trouble!"

"We didn't do it, I swear!" Max tried to reason with her.

Hilary's head looked at what had happened to Ming-Ming. "Oh. That. Oh, well. I never liked her, anyway," she told them calmly and nonchalantly. She turned angrily back to Tyson. "How dare you leave me! I'll make sure you never make it to the wizard!" Then she disappeared.

"Wizard?" they all chorused.

"The wizard of Bey," clarified one of the tiny people. His voice reminded them of the squeaky aliens from the Toy Story movies. (ME NO OWN!)

Another continued from behind them (A/N: Why was he back there?). They swirled around. "The wizard is old and wise."

"Yes," added another one from another direction. They whirled again. "He can help you get home."

"But the wizard is grumpy and mean."

"I'm getting dizzy," Tyson said, to Ray's agreement.

"Where is this 'wizard'?" Kai took control.

"There," all the aliens, I mean tiny people, pointed to a hill far away.

"Man, we gotta walk?" Tyson complained. Max smacked him.

"Take the road," one of the, okay, let's call them what they are, Munchkins advised.

"What road?"

"That one."

The boys looked to see a road paved with the BladeBreakers emblem. "Okay...that's weird," Tyson commented. Ray whacked him this time.

"Do not stray from the road."

"Okay, okay. Now - where'd they go?" Max wondered aloud.

They were gone. So the boys shrugged and left. They couldn't help but think that this was the weirdest thing that would ever happen to them.

* * *

* * *

Kohari: Okay. That was so stupid. I can't believe I wrote that. Okay. I'm supposed to ask a bunch of questions. What will happen to the boys? Why is Hilary ticked at Tyson? Why isn't she making sense? See ya next time. Or not. It's up to you! 5 reviews and a "Welcome back" are necessary for any updates whatsoever. Okay, you don't have to say "Welcome Back!", but I do want some reviews. Tootles!


	8. All I Really Need to Know

Kohari: Again, sorry for the long wait. As you already know, I hit depression, and it got worse after I updated last. But I'm alright. Everything's cool now. Things are great, and my classes have a tiny workload compared to last semester. I actually have time to myself. I even had time to write a play, which, though popular, wasn't as great as another one. I also won third place in a school writing contest with a tragedy, so...yeah. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to write a sentence after all that and "My Grandpa's Back". So I'm reposting my favorite poem of all time. In case you haven't noticed, I'm putting a hold on the "Wizard of Oz" thingy for now...

* * *

**All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten**  
By: Robert Fulghum

_These are the things I learned:_

_Share everything._

_Play fair._

_Don't hit people._

_Put things back where you found them._

_Clean up your own mess._

_Don't take things that aren't yours._

_Say you're sorry when you hurt people._

_Wash your hands before you eat._

_Flush._

_Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you._

_Live a balanced life -  
Learn some and think some and draw and sing and dance and play and work everyday some._

_Take a nap every afternoon._

_When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic,  
hold hands,  
and stick together._

_Be aware of wonder.  
Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup:  
The roots go down, and the plant goes up, and  
nobody really knows how or why, but we're all like that._

_Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup -  
They all die.  
So do we._

_And then remember the Dick and Jane books  
and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all -  
LOOK._

_Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.  
The Golden Rule, and love, and basic sanitation.  
Ecology and politics, and equality, and sane living._

_Take any of these items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms  
and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world  
and you'll find it holds true and clear and firm.  
Think what a better world it would be if all - the whole world - had cookies and milk  
about 3 o'clock every afternoon  
and then lay down with our blankies for a nap.  
Or if all governments had a basic policy to always put things back where they found them  
and clean up their own mess._

_And it is still true, no matter how old you are,  
when you go out into the world,  
it is best to hold hands and stick together._

* * *

Kohari: How cool is that poem! Well, tootles, y'all. Hopefully I can get some more chapters done soon. Buh-bye! And, oh yeah, don't forget to review. Just say how awesome this poem is. (And I didn't proofread it, so some words may be weird...jumbled together or misspelled.) Tootles again! 


	9. Mother Goose Sort of

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors**

**Mother Goose**

Kohari: Fucked upnursery rhymes...whoo!  
Note: Okay, okay. I won't kill it yet...

* * *

Oliver loves to make pudding and pie.  
He won't kiss the girls, and it makes them cry.  
But when the boys come out to blade,  
He kisses THEM, 'cause Oliver's gay! 

(Kohari: I know. That was so mean. Not intended to anger Oliver fans - Oliver's cool, man!)

Mariah had a little lamb,  
but Kevin shot it dead.  
Now it comes to school with her  
between two hunks of bread.

(Kevin either needs Anger Management or some target practice...)

Kai and Hil went up the hill  
to smoke some marijuana.  
Kai got high and dropped his fly  
and said, "Do you wanna?"  
Hil said "yes" and dropped her dress  
and then they had some fun...  
But stupid Hil - forgot the pill,  
and now they have a son!

Thanks to Chibi Tomb Robbress for reminding me of the whole poem!

I don't mean to be mean,  
but ya need some Listerine.  
Not a sip, not a swallow,  
but the whole damn bottle!

So it wasn't a nursery rhyme. Oh well. Deal!

* * *

Kohari: Maybe I'll add more to it later. Well, Tootles! 


	10. Doorways are Dangerous

**Doorways Are Dangerous**

Kohari: Been a while, guys, but I'm back. There's been a lot going on lately. Anyways, here's the new chapter.

* * *

Max sneaks upon a closed door, hand behind his back, as though hiding something. There is a suspicious grin on his face, despite the horrid singing that could be heard behind the door.

"Max, what are you doing?" Ray demands, scaring Max, who had had no idea that Ray had even been there.

"Nothin'," Max told him, inching towards the door.

"Right," Ray replied sarcastically. "And what do you have behind your back?"

"Nothin'," Max repeats. A struggle ensues. Ray comes out the victor, wrestling the object in question from Max's hand.

"A penny?" Ray identifies it. He then looks at the door and puts the pieces together in his mind. "You weren't gonna lock Tyson in there, were you?"

"Yes, I was, as a matter of fact," Max admits, remembering tyson stealing his lunch for the third day in a row. "Now gimme the penny!" He holds out his palm.

Ray thinks for a second. "No." At the angry expression on his friend's face, he explains, "I wanna do it."

Max understands and the two partners in crime creep up to the bathroom door, trying to ignore the hideous voice of an obviously tone-deaf Tyson. After completing the job, they couldn't help but laugh.

"What's so funny, guys?" Kenny, who had appeared out of nowhere, wondered aloud.

"Nothin'," came the answer.

Not believing the bladers, the Chief went to inspect the door. Momentarily..."You didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"I know you didn't penny-lock the door," Kenny scolded. "Was Tyson in there?" (It's quiet now)

"Umm...no," Max lied. It was unconvincing. Then, "Ray did it!"

"It was your idea!" Ray passed the buck.

"You guys!" Kenny reprimanded them. "Do you realize what'll happen if Tyson misses another practice session? Kai'll be furious!"

"It'll be worth it," Max assured him.

"Besides, all his anger will be focused on Tyson. Not us," Ray added.

"Trust me, we're doing you a favor - all of you. Every time Tyson takes a shower, he 'dresses' for 20 minutes and comes out with the bathroom smelling like crap - literally!" Max argued. (A/N: Tyson's habit really doesn't make much sense to me.)

"The second he opens that bathroom door..." (Ray)

"And we're out of air freshener, Kenny." (Max)

Kenny frowns at them. Then Hilary enters the conversation, "What's going on, guys?"

"Ray and Max penny-locked Tyson in the bathroom," Kenny informed her.

"Well, it serves him right!" she commented, to the amazement of all.

"What?" (Ray and Max)

"Hilary!" (Kenny)

"Well, it does!" she protested. "I'm sick of him being late all the time. Well, this time, he'll be late on our terms. And now maybe he'll stop eating our lunches."

"I'm with Hil!" (Max)

"You're out-numbered, Chief," Ray pointed out. They left to wait until Tyson realized what had happened.

"Oh, yeah," Max remembered, and began placing various things over doorways throughout the house/dojo.

Later...

"Where is Tyson?" Kai sighed. Everyone, with the exception of Kenny, who was mysteriously absent, shrugged. They had told Kai that Kenny had an experiment he wanted to try out and couldn't update the stats today. (Kenny: You liars! Lemme out of this closet! Eww...is that Tyson's...?...Oh, gross! Doesn't he wash his gym clothes? Sick!)

"That's it!" Kai hit his breaking point. Before he could rant, however, Tyson's loud cries for escape interrupted them.

"Be right back," Max excused Ray and himself. They ran off before Kai couldn't recover from all of this. (Keep in mind that they booby-trapped the doors, so they had to take the back way to the bathroom.)

The boys extracted a promise from Tyson to keep his grubby paws off their foor (after taunts that Kai was ticked and if Tyson didn't get to practice soon, he would face 500 push-ups and a beating and would never see the beydish again). Then, Ray and Max took the back way back to practice and waited.

Tyson slid into practice, covered in dirt (from the slide) and wet chalk, clumping Kool-Aid (no own), last night's spaghetti, and who knew what else. Kai disgusted picked up Tyson and threw him in the pond. "Take a bath, you filthy pig," Kai told him, wiping the nastiness off of his hands and clothes.

Max and Ray high-fived one another. Revenge was oh, so sweet.

* * *

PS: This was not proofread, so if you see any mistakes, lemme know. (I'm perfectionist, so it doesn't matter how small a mistake it is.)


	11. How to Understand Women

**_Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors_**

Kohari: Hello, once again. Y'all better thank Lady-Kitsune-Kawaii, 'cause if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be updating. Heck, Kohari might not even exist anymore if it hadn't been for the GGF readers. (Don't have any idea what I'm talking about? Obviously, you haven't read my bio or any of the GGF work...or My Grandpa's Back...naughty, naughty...). But enough about that. I need to talk about the future of JCM. Remember the original? Ya know, the one that got deleted? Well...I kinda can't find the disks that I stored the chapterson - I was using them as a base and converting them from chat/script to the current mode that we're being forced to use now. So...until I find them (which will, hopefully, be before the next chapter), I'm gonna skip ahead in the original and put this one up. I know you guys are tired of stuff like this and are ready for some more pranks, but, once again, I'm sorry. It's totally my bad. Don't worry - we'll get some serious prankage/joking going on real soon.

* * *

How to Understand Women (Sort of)

After years of studying Hilary, the boys think they are finally able to understand women. Sort of. Anyway, in order to help men everywhere, they have compiled a short list of phrases (and non-verbal statements) that women commonly use.

**Fine **- This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks, as this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

**Five Minutes** - This is actually half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash.

**Nothing** - This actually means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,and backwards (not in a sexual way, either...)." Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

**Go Ahead** (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare, which will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

**Go Ahead** (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will bet a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

**Go Ahead!** - At some point in the near future, you're going to be in some mighty big trouble...

**Loud Sigh** (non-verbal statement) - Often misunderstood by men, this actually means that she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

**Soft Sigh** (n-v s) - She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

**That's Okay** - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. Often used with the words "Fine" and in conjunction with raised eyebrows.

**Please Do** - This is not a statement; it's an offer. She's giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful.

**Thanks** - She's thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

**Thanks A Lot** - Much different from "Thanks". This actually means she is REALLY ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Do not ask what is wrong; she will only tell you "Nothing."

* * *

Note: The "Words Women Use" section is credited to "The Scoopster"

Kohari: Okay, change of plan - I actually wanna continue the Beyblade version of "Wizard of Oz". But it depends on my mood, your opinion (and the quantity of reviews), and whether or not I find that disk...Tootles for now!


	12. Freedom of Joke

**_Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors_**

Kohari: Once again, my update is fashionably late. I would have put this up on the Fourth of July, but I didn't have enough reviews. I still don't have the ideal number, but oh, well. Oh, good news - I think I found my disks. Yay! But I haven't checked yet, so for now, we're gonna skip ahead to what I think was chapter 22 of the original JCM.

**Freedom of Joke!**

**

* * *

**

"Hey Hil," Tyson began. "What would you say if I asked you out?"

"I don't think I can talk and puke at the same time, Tyson," Hilary replied.

"Hey, guys," Max told them, "we're on."

"Oh, it's a new chapter?" Tyson asked.

"Duh!"

"Oh. Okay. Hello, ladies and fangirls!"

"There are male readers, too, Tyson," Kai reminded him. He hadn't the heart to add that Tyson didn't have any fangirls (A/N: Yes, I know there are some out there. No offense to them.)

"Yeah, but I don't care about them." (referring to the guy readers)

"So what are we gonna joke about today?" Ray wondered.

"Um..." Max checks the title. "I have no idea. 'Freedom of Joke'. That's not very clear..."

A cue card pops up.

"Oh. That helps...(he then reads)...Jokes about the U.S. government...Does that really tie into Independence Day?"

"Why would we joke the government?" Tyson demanded.

"Because the authoress has the power to make us do whatever she wants," Hilary explained.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

Second cue card. Max again reads.

"Of course, Kohari is an American, so all these jokes are just that - jokes. They are solely for the purpose of creating humor, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the authoress."

"So does that mean that she supports or hates the government?" Tyson asks. (Just for the record, I love my country.)

Third cue card. Ray's turn to read.

"Kohari would also like to point out that these jokes are credited the book entitled 'Extremely Good Clean Jokes for Kids'."

"That didn't answer my question," Tyson said.

Yet another cue card. Ray reads once more.

"Shut up, Tyson."

Kenny desperately called out from behind the cue cards, "Can I stop holding these now? These things are heavy!" They are twice his body height and who knew how many times as wide.

A replacement character (just pick who you want) appears in a cloud of smoke with the final cue card. "Yes."

Kenny lets out a sigh of relief, drops the gargantuan cards, and joins the rest of the group. "You know, we're not really doing our jobs, are we?"

"How is it a job if we don't get paid?"

Replacement character holds up the fourth cue card (the shut up one).

"What?"

Fourth cue card flashes again.

"Alright! I get it!"

Cue card number four.

Tyson crosses his arms and pouts silently.

"Okay, I'll go first," Max offered. "What's the difference between progress and Congress?"

Group "uh..."

"Pro and con! Haha!"

"Well, I'm not going to joke the government - Kohari said we didn't have to (pre-chapter pep-talk)," Ray said. "What's so fragile you can break it with a whisper?"

"A secret," Hilary guesses. "But how does that tie in with the theme?"

"Governments often keep secrets from the citizens," Kai explained.

"He said it, not me," Ray pointed out.

"Can I make a joke now?" Tyson asked the dude with the cue cards, who talks into a headset, then holds up a card - yes. "Awesome! Okay, a student forgot his pencil on the day of a big exam. His teacher tried to show him the importance of being prepared, 'What would you think of a soldier going into battle without a gun?' The student thought for a moment and then replied, 'I'd think he was an officer.'"

The dude with the cue cards suddenly receives a message over his headset, goes out of the fic, and returns with a piece of paper. He retreats from the scene after giving this to Tyson.

"What's that?" (Ray)

"It looks like a petition," Hilary commented, looking over Tyson's shoulder.

Max does the same. "Yeah, his grandpa and the neighbors have petitioned that Tyson must wipe his feet before coming out of his messy room."

"What?" Tyson is astonished.

"Well, it _is_ messy." (Hilary) "And they do have the right to petition."

"And I have the freedom of speech!" Max exclaimed. "But for some reason that doesn't mean that I can make all the long-distance phone calls I want...I gotta petition that."

"Moving right along," Ray broke in. "What officer takes care of the Army's finances?"

"The business major!"

"You've heard it before, haven't you, Kenny?"

"No, the cue card man just held up the answer for us." The cue card dude coughed innocently. Ray frowned.

"What did one flag say to the other?" Kenny took a crack at it. "Nothing - it just waved!"

"How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (Hilary) "Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done, while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet."

"When does an Irish potato change its nationality?" Tyson couldn't take the spotlight being taken away from him. "When it becomes a French fry!"

"I'm confused. Are they French fries or freedom fries?" (Max)

Explanation: After 9/11, fast food companies began calling French fries "freedom fries" due to the whole France not helping the U.S. thing.

"Does it matter?" Ray inquired.

"Hey - who are they?" Kenny interrupted and pointed to a group of dry-cleaning store owners conversing nearby.

"It's a press conference," a previously quiet voice joked.

"Kai made a funny?" Tyson checked, unsure of whether he was hearing things or not.

"Kai made a funny," Kenny confirmed.

"Kai made a funny!" Everyone exclaimed in amazement.

"This is why I try not to join in on these things," Kai told them.

"Moving onto the judicial system - here's an old one," Hilary kept the train going. "What did the judge say when a skunk came into his courtroom?"

All - "Odor in the court!"

"My turn!" Max announced. "What do you get if you cross a gorilla with our sixteenth U.S. President?"

"Ape Lincoln," Tyson answered confidently.

Suspicious, Max glances at the cue-card guy. "He held up the answer, didn't he?"

"Yup." Tyson begins scratching his head.

"Why are you scratching your head?" Hilary finally asked.

"I got arithmetic bugs."

"What are those?" Kenny wondered aloud.

"Some call 'em head lice."

"Then why do you call them arithmetic bugs?" Hilary inquired.

"'Cause they add to my misery, subtract from my pleasure, divide my attention, and multiply like crazy!" Then Tyson added, "Like government officials."

Changing the subject, Kenny says, "Hey, didja hear NASA's planning to put 500 cows into orbit?"

"Dude, it'll be the herd shot 'round the world!"

Cue Card Number Four pops up: Shut up, Tyson.

Tyson pouts, then toys with a plastic badge imprinted with "F.B.I" on it. He is very proud of his "status."

"Just for the record, Tyson, F.B.I. doesn't stand for 'Female Body Inspector'," Hilary said, then told him what it really stood for. "I bet you can't even name the three great American parties!"

"Yes I can! Republican, Democratic, and Tupperware!"

All sigh.

"Yeah, y'all don't think I'm so great, but I got a special mission! The President himself has asked me to help beautify the nation!"

"Moving back to Japan, Tyson?" Kai guessed.

"That was mean."

"Not as mean as what I'm about to say," Kai predicted. "You should really sue your brains for nonsupport."

Dizzi begins to beep. "Time to close this out," she explains. They all say "good-bye" and the chapter is over.

* * *

Kohari: Alright. I guess that's all I have for now. Review please! 

Next Time: I'm thinking about the classic "Knock, Knock!" jokes.


	13. Answering Machines

**_Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors_**

Kohari: Yeah, I know it's been a while, and this one's gonna be just a bit short, but that just means I'll update sooner next time. Hopefully...Anyway, I thought that today we'd delve a little more into the personal lives of our Beyblade boys...

Today's Chapter: **Answering Machines...**

* * *

**Tyson:  
**"Roses are red, and boogers are green, so please leave your message on this stupid machine." 

**Max:**  
"Hello?...Hello?...Hellooo? I'm sorry - you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you. That's 'cause I'm not home! Leave a message. BEEP."

**Ray/Rei** (However you wanna spell it!)**:  
**"These words are lovely dark and deep,  
But I've got promises to keep,  
and miles to go before I sleep  
So leave a message at the beep."

**Kai:  
**"Roses are red, violets are blue,  
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.  
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,  
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.  
The roses stink, sorta like sheep,  
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep.  
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten  
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten."

**Kenny/Chief:**  
"Hello, this is Kenny's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep, you can tell me how it was, or leave some other informative message. Thanks."

**Daichi:**  
"Yo. I ain't here right now, so leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good."

Now, now, we can't possibly forget about the other Beybladers...

**Tala:  
**"The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!"

**Enrique:**  
"Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. Patricia doesn't live here, either. Or Natalie. On the other hand, if you were trying to call Enrique, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that he will call you back - only that I won't."

**Robert:**  
"Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for Robert. Your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received. Your message is number 8,243. Please hold; your message is important to me."

**Johnny:**  
"Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life, so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)"

**Enrique** (after he found out about Susan changing his answering machine message)**:  
**"Hi, this is Enrique. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, I'll try to squeeze you in."

**Michael:**  
"Hi, you know the drill."

**Bryan/Brian** (I don't remember how to spell his name):  
"How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you..."

**Andrew:**  
"Hello, this is Andrew's voice. Andrew's not here right now - hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep."

And what about the girls?

**Emily:**  
"Thank you for calling -. If you wish to speak to one of the boys, push 1 on your touch-tone phone now and wait for further instructions. If you wish to speak to me, push 2 on your touch-tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system."

**Hilary:**  
"Well, I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does..."

**Hilary** (after hearing her last recording after it had been played for a few weeks)  
"I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing."

* * *

Kohari: Sorry. I know you were hoping for more than that, but I couldn't find much for many of the other beybladers...anyways, leave a review (one-liner reviews are accepted) and I'll update soon! 

Note: These answering machine jokes are credited to Bored . com. (That is a website, but the dot is right after the "d" and the "com" is right after the dot. Hopefully you can understand that last sentence...)

Note: I will proofread this later.


	14. Life's Little Mysteries

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 14: Life's Little Mysteries**

Kohari: Yeah, I know it's been forever, but I think you'll forgive me when I tell you that, at long last, I have discovered the backed-up chapters of the original JCM. YAY! Okay, happy time over. Fanfic time now. Get to it.

Disclaimer is always in effect!!!!!

* * *

Tyson sighs, "I'm bored again. Man, why is it always us?" he realizes. "Why can't it be the Yu-Gi-Oh cast, or Digimon, or Sailor Moon or something?"

"Let's just hope Kai doesn't figure out that it's because he's not training enough," Ray reminds him to be grateful for what he has.

"Or worse," Max adds. "Kenny -."

It is at that moment that Kenny arrives. "Since we seem to have a lot of time on our hands, as of tomorrow, your training schedule shall be modified to optimum intensification."

"Whatever that means," Tyson mumbles.

"It means he's gonna train us harder," Ray informs him.

"Did I just jinx us?" Max wonders aloud.

"I wouldn't know, Ray," Tyson snaps. "I don't speak 'Kenny'."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kenny asks, offended.

"Nothing," Tyson shuts up.

Ray changes the subject, sensing a tense atmosphere. "So, Tyson, where's Hilary today?"

"Like I would know."

"I thought that was why you called her this morning," Max said.

"I told you not to tell anyone," Tyson hisses at Max. Resuming his normal tone, he confesses to the rest of the group what he knows. "She's got a cold."

"But it's summer," Max comments. "Bit weird, isn't it?"

"Not really," Kenny admits. "Germs reproduce quicker in warmer and humid climates."

Tyson says rudely, "And we wanted to know, because..." He trails off, leaving Kenny to fill in the blank.

"Fine. Be that way." Kenny leaves, hurt.

"That was mean, Tyson," Ray chastises him.

"You should apologize," Max suggests.

"Alright, alright; don't bite my head off," Tyson gives in. He calls out a "sorry, buddy" to Kenny, but receives no response. He shrugs it off. "Oh, well."

"Hey, guys," Max grips their attention. "If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?"

(A/N: Just for the record, there is a logical explanation...but they don't know this. And I'm not talkin'. Nyah!)

"That's as much as mystery as evolution. If I evolved from monkeys, why don't I have a tail? Or do I?" Tyson searches behind him for a tail.

"Didn't have far to go, did they?" Ray whispered slyly to Max, referring to monkeys evolving.

"We're going into boredom-fighting mode, aren't we?" (Max)

"Yup," Tyson answers, beginning to chow down on a cookie, which Max stares at hungrily, drooling.

"Cookie," the blonde drones. "Must...have...cookie..."

"He's like a zombie," Tyson observes.

"Look out, Tyson," Ray warns. "He's comin' for ya."

Tyson hastily shoves the rest of the cookie down his throat, causing Max to gasp. "You ate the cookie!" the American screams angrily, like a crazed maniac, and pounces on his fellow BladeBreaker turned cookie-killer. The two then roll around on the floor in a dust cloud.

"Guys," Ray tries to get their attention. "Guys. GUYS! STOP FIGHTING!" They stop. Max has Tyson's shirt collar, and Tyson is grasping some of Max's hair.

"Keep your minds off of food," Ray tells them. "That way we won't have any childish arguments that end violently."

"He sounds kinda like Kai," Tyson mutters, dropping Max.

Max, facing the sky, asks them, "Why's the sky blue? Why can't it be green? Or yellow, like my hair. Why does it have to have Tyson's hair color? Why can't it be black?"

"It's black at night," Tyson offered.

"No, it's not," Ray argues. "It's a very dark blue."

"With little yellow and white dots," Max continued, sounding as if in a trance. "And a biiiiiiiiig circle that outshines them all." He stretches his arms as far as they'll go to emphasize this and then lets them drop to the ground.

"Those little lights are the stars, and the big one's the moon," Ray felt it his duty to inform them.

"Which is made of cheese," Tyson added.

"It's not made of cheese, you doofus!" Max said. "It's made of cookie dough."

Ray sighs at their pathetic conversation about what the moon is made of.

"It has to be cheese!" Tyson argues. "Cheese is moldy anyway, and that's what would happen to cookies! It wouldn't have any effect on green cheese!"

"But the moon's not green!" Max points out. "And the clouds eat it little bit by little bit every night, and a new one appears every month or so!"

"The clouds don't eat it," Tyson scoffs.

"Then what does, genius?" Max demands.

"Ummm...the astronauts?" Tyson guesses.

This entire time, Kenny was listening to the argument from inside the dojo and can no longer take it. "The moon is made of rock, you morons!" he shouts. "And the only reason it diminishes and disappears every month is because how much of the moon you see varies along with the amount of light it receives. Don't you people listen in science class?"

"Great. You just messed that up for them," Ray tells Kenny, who, exasperated and feeling under-appreciated, makes himself scarce.

"But the Cookie Monster from 'Sesame Street' ate the moon once," Max persisted. "He said it was a cookie..."

"I saw that episode," Tyson confessed.

There is an awkward silence. Which Max breaks. "How do they get inside the TV box, anyway?"

"They're born in there," Ray answers sarcastically.

"Really?" Max believes him. (Or so we think...)

"You don't get out much, do you?"

"That woud be why his bitbeast is a turtle," Tyson jokes. "I bet he didn't even know that in the army, they make the soldiers scrub toilets for punishment."

"Would that be considered potty training?" Max asks.

"How did we go from cookies to potty training?" Ray tries to remember.

"I don't know," Tyson admits. "But I am upset that the moon is not made of cheese. This is why I don't like science. It takes all the fun out of life."

"You could learn a lot from science," Ray tells him.

"I did learn something from science," Tyson replies. "I learned that opposites attract."

"Is that why you and Hilary have the hots for each other?"

"I do not like Hilary!" Tyson denies angrily, having been teased about it from day one. Suddenly, he realizes something about what Ray has said. "Hilary likes me?" he asks hopefully.

Kai calls out, "End the chapter!"

"No, wait!" Tyson protests. "I haven't figured this out about Hilary yet!"

END OF CHAPTER

* * *

Note: Not proofread. Oh, and I repeat, I do not own any copyrighted material mentioned in this fic.


	15. First Time

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 15: My First Time Ever**

Kohari: I remember reading this in...late middle school? Early high school? Oh, well. Doesn't matter. But remember, guys, if you start reading, read all the way to the end. Do not stop in the middle. Trust me on this one. I don't want anyone reporting me unnecessarily. Ok. Enjoy!

* * *

It was my first time ever,  
And I'll never forget.  
I'd do it again  
Without a single regret.  
The sky was dark,  
The moon was high.  
We were all alone,  
Just she and I.  
Her hair was soft,  
Her eyes were blue.  
I knew just what  
She wanted to do.  
Her skin so soft,  
Her legs so fine.  
I ran my fingers  
Down her spine.  
I didn't know how,  
But I tried my best.  
I started by placing  
My hands on her breast.  
I remember my fear,  
My fast beating heart,  
But slowly she spread  
Her legs apart.  
And when I did it,  
I felt no shame.  
All at once,  
The white stuff came.  
At last it's finished,  
It's all over now:  
My first time ever  
At milking a cow...

* * *

Kohari: Oh, come on, admit it. Those of you who hadn't read it before were thinking some naughty-naughties, huh? By the way, I looked online for it (the one I had read was on a piece of paper that one of my friends had), and so this poem ended up being copied from the JibJab site - which I DO NOT OWN. Okay, just makin' that clear. Questions, comments, concerns, reviews - get to it! Yay! 


	16. Magic and Stupid Arguing

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 16: Magic and Stupid Arguing**

Kohari: Yeah, I know how long it's been. I haven't updated many of my fics for a while. But I have made a lot of progress in my original works of fiction (which are not available online, but I hope will be published in the near future), and I have been accepted to two of the most prestigious public colleges in my state. Woohoo! And as soon as I get my transcript sent in, my family is confident I will be accepted into a good private college, where I will get a full scholarship for four years. I think that calls for another woohoo! But I am well aware that you would all rather read the fic than read this junk that really has nothing to do with anyone and sounds more like bragging than news...Anyways, here's the fic. Sorry for the wait!

* * *

Max, Ray, and Tyson were playing wall ball while Kenny analyzed their beyblades. Kai was practicing around the corner. They all had the feeling someone was missing...Kenny was the first to figure out who it was. "Hey, Tyson, where's Hilary?" 

"How should I know?" Tyson retorted, diverting his attention long enough to get smacked in the face with the tennis ball they were playing with. "Man! I quit! I'm sick of this game!"

"So...about Hilary," Ray began.

"Why ask me? Why should I know where she is?" Tyson snapped at them.

"'Cause you like her," Max answered, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"I do not!"

Max and Ray laughed at him as the tennis ball bounce off the wall and smacked him in the back of the head while he was stomping off. "Oops," Ray apologized, having thrown it too hard at the wall.

"Oh, come on, Tyson, where is she?" Max reverted back to the original topic, picking up the tennis ball to stop the game while they talked.

"I don't know!" Tyson shouted, clearly annoyed.

"Tyson ticked her off yesterday," Kai informed everyone, sitting on the dojo steps. Nobody had even noticed that he was there.

"Shut up, Kai!" Tyson snapped.

"What did you do now, Ty?" Max wondered.

"Nothing!" Tyson lied.

"Apparently not," Ray stated the obvious. "Shouldn't you go apologize?"

"For what?"

"For telling her that her new skirt didn't match her top," Kai replied.

"She asked!" Tyson defended himself.

"You should still go talk to her," Max told him. "It feels weird practicing without her...even though we're not really practicing right now...it's more like a sort of meeting..."

"Yeah, you're right," Tyson gave in, stretching. "I'll get her back. Everyone knows I've got that 'ole black magic'."

"Now, that's a good joke, Tyson," Kai scoffed.

"Kai, we already know you're a chick-magnet. Don't ruin it for the delusional Tyson," Max pleaded, kidding around.

Tyson opened his mouth, about to command them to shut up again, but then he started saying something else, "Hey, guys, speaking of that -."

"Uh-oh," Max and Ray said in unison.

"I think I found out why Kai attracts so many girls."

"Oh, really." It was more of a statement. Kai was geniunely interested to hear this.

"I was lookin' through this magazine called 'Things You Never Knew Existed' (which Kohari does not own), and there's this cologne that's been out for a few years that uses pheromones to attract the opposite sex," Tyson explained.

"What are you implying?" Kai asked.

"What does that mean?" Tyson turned to the Chief.

"What are you trying to say, Tyson?" Chief sighed.

"I'm trying to get you to tell me what...Oh," Tyson finally understood. "I'm 'implying' (emphasis on 'implying') that you wear it." Kai snorted, holding back laughter. "No, it makes sense," Tyson went on, perfectly serious. "I have yet to meet a girl that didn't like Kai, even though he's a jerk."

"At least I don't act gay," Kai countered.

"I do NOT act gay!"

"Okay, okay," Max broke in. "This has to stop. Someone's gonna read this and think Kohari's against gay people." (A/N: One of my closest friends is gay.)

"Yeah, alright," Tyson agreed. "Kai's just callin' me gay, 'cause he's insecure about his own masculinity."

"You have serious issues, Tyson," Kai announced.

"Like I said, I've got that 'old black magic' and you don't. And you're jealous."

"Speaking of magic," Ray changed the subject. "I remember this joke from a long time ago. Wanna hear it?"

"Sure," everyone chorused.

"Okay, so there was this magic mountain that would turn you into anything you shouted out when you jumped off," Ray began. "A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican (A/N: It's in the joke, okay? If anyone's offended by "racial stereotypes" found in jokes, then don't read the fic. Don't report me, 'cause I'm not racist.) were standing on the magic mountain. So, anyway, the Mexican jumps off and shouts, 'A hawk!' He turns into a hawk and flies safely to the ground. The white guy goes next, shouting 'An eagle!' He turns into an eagle and flies down to the ground. So now it's the black guy's turn. He gets ready to jump, but then he trips on a rock, so he shouts, 'Oh, crap!'"

Laughter.

"Here's one from when we were kids!" Kenny says, wanting to share a joke. "This guy was given a magic lamp. He knew it was a magic lamp, so he rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie tells him, 'You summoned me so you get one wish.' (A/N: Yeah, this guy got scammed.) So the guy thinks for a minute, then says, 'Can I have a new butt? Mine's cracked.'"

Silence...A cricket chirps.

"I got a better one," Max moves on. "Okay, so one day this new slide appears at a playground. Beside it was a sign telling everyone to make a wish when they slid down, and it would come true. So this girl walks up, reads the sign, and slides down, squealing, 'Jewels, jewels!' She lands in a pile of jewels. Then a little boy comes along. He reads the sign, slides down, and shouts, "Money, money!' He lands in a pile of money. Now, the next boy either didn't read the sign - he couldnt' read. So he slides down and cries, 'Wee, wee!'"

"Going back to the magic lamp, thingy, I have another one," Ray tells them. "But this one's really mean."

"Can't be worse than anything Kai says," Tyson pointed out, receiving a rock to the rear end. "Ow..." Tyson complained.

"Alright, so this guy's just walkin' down the beach, when he sees this metal thingy pokin' outta the ground. So he digs it out, and rubs it to get the dirt off. A genie comes out and tells him, 'You have released me, so you get three wishes. But, keep in mind, that whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets two of.' 'No problem,' the guy shrugs it off. 'First, I wish for a Lamborghini (again, no own).' 'Okay, but you know that your mother-in-law gets two, right?' the genie reminds him. The guy nods. So the genie waves his hand and says, 'It is done. What is your next wish?' 'Now I want a beach house, too,' the guy says. The genie warns him, 'Your mother-in-law gets two, remember?' The guy replied, 'That's fine.' The genie waves his hand again. 'It is done. What is your final wish?' 'Ya see that stick right there, Genie?' the guy asks. 'Yes,' the genie answers, confused. The guy explains, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'"

They all laugh for a few minutes. Then Kai speaks up, "Hey, congratulations, Tyson!"

"On what?" Tyson asks, confused.

"You haven't done anything stupid for the past five minutes!"

Tyson blinks for a few minutes. "My imaginary friend says you have serious mental problems..." he tells Kai.

"Tyson, as old as this sounds, you are really depriving a village of its idiot."

"Why, I oughtta!" Tyson began.

"Tyson, let's be honest," Kai continued. "The only mark you could ever make in this world would be in your underwear. And no one will miss you when you're gone."

"They'd probably celebrate," Max joked

"You guys are so frickin' mean!" (Tyson)

"Build a bridge and get over it," Kai retorted. "Better yet, cry me a river and drown yourself in it."

"Don't inspire him," Ray jokes.

"Why are you guys so against me today?" Tyson demanded. "I feel so unloved."

"You are," Kai told him.

"But you can't hate me! I'm awesome!"

The others snicker, suppressing laughter.

"Okay, so I'm not perfect!" Tyson admits. "But I'm so close it scares me." (Was that totally cliche or what?)

"Ya know what, Tyson?" (Kai)

"What?"

"I keep trying to see things from your point of view, but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ---."

"Oh! You got dissed!" Max joined in.

"I noticed," Tyson stated simply, trying to think of a come-back for Kai.

"Anyway," Kenny tried to change the subject. "So what do you guys wanna be when you get older? Besides beybladers."

"I wanna be a professional bum," Ray said, keeping a serious face, even though he was kidding.

"Okay..." Kenny really had no comment on that.

"They say you can be anything you want. So can I be a kid, Kenny?" Max asked.

"Kai can be an ---hole!" Tyson volunteered.

"Why don't we just skip the insults and get right to your butt-kickin'?" Kai suggested, grabbing a baseball bat.

"No thank you!" Tyson ran off, with Kai chasing after him. Tyson, who was running for his life and had a head start, soon got away from him. In his frustration, Kai threw the baseball bat at a nearby tree, breaking the bat in half and damaging the tree badly.

"Kai! You just destroyed osme helpless trees!" Ray chastised.

"It was worth it," came the reply.

"You're supposed to save trees!" (Max)

"I do save the trees," Kai said. "And so does Tyson. He wipes with an owl."

"It was a possum!" Tyson argued, coming from around the corner.

"The other white meat!" Kai joked blandly.

"I love road pizza!" Max joined in.

"Okay, that's enough!" Ray and Kenny interrupted, tired of hearing their sick food jokes.

"Sorry 'bout that," Tyson apologized.

"No you're not," Ray sees through his lie.

"Not yet anyway," Kenny mutters.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tyson snapped.

"If you enjoy breathing, Tyson, I suggest you not tick me off," Kenny advised. "Besides, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."

"There's always my closet. That's where I hide mine," Kai suggested.

"That's...disturbing." (Ray)

"You guys aren't serious, right?" Tyson believed them.

"It's called a 'joke,' Tyson," Kai reminded him. "You are so naive."

"I am not, you cracker-butt poopyhead!" Tyson shouted.

"Pardon?"

"No, you can't have a pardon!" Tyson told him. "The prison said no!"

"Shut up, Tyson."

"Ya know what? Go to Hell!" (A/N: -gasp!- That wasn't very nice...)

"He can't." (Kenny)

"Why not?" Tyson asked.

"Hell's afraid he'll take over."

"Then he can just go die!"

"Nope. Heaven doesn't want him, either."

"That's just great," Tyson said sarcastically. "Then, Kai, you can make yourself usefull and wipe my ---."

"You are so multi-talented, Tyson," Kai changed the subject.

"Thank you...Wait...Remind me how I'm multi-talented."

"You can talk and tick people off at the same time," Kai answered.

"Ya know what we should all do?" Ray interrupted before someone got hurt. "There's so much anger here, we should relieve it by joining the army."

"How does that relieve our anger?" Max was curious to know.

"We'll get to go to exotic places, meet interesting people, then shoot 'em!"

"Sounds like fun," Kai said. "I'm in."

"That's so wrong!" Tyson cried. "And not funny!"

"I may not be funny," Kai began, "but you're an inspiration to idiots everywhere."

"Kai, we're supposed to be friends!" Tyson pointed out.

"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose, or wipe them on the couch."

After a lot of "ewww," Max randomly suggests, "Hey! Let's play Rock, Paper, Scissors!"

"Rock is dead! Long live Paper and Scissors!" Ray declares.

"That's something I would have expected from Max," Kenny said.

"He gave me $5 to take it from me," Max informed him.

"I don't get it," Tyson announced.

"You wouldnt'," Ray told him.

"That's not nice!"

"Hey, Tyson," Kai calls. "On your mark...get set...go away!"

"Fine! I will!" Tyson shouts, then leaves, muttering something that sounded like, "Sick of this crap, anyway."

They all wait until Tyson's out of earshot before cheering.

After a while, a gloom fell over them.

"Ya know, I'm so miserable without him, it's like he's still here," Kai observed.

"Missing torturing someone?" Ray wondered aloud.

"Was it that obvious?"

"Oh, yeah," Max said, emphasizing that it was obvious.

"I feel kinda sorry for him," Kenny finally chimed in. "I mean, the last thing I want to do is hurt Tyson."

"Me, too, since he's a great sparring partner," Kai agreed, "but it's still on my list."

"Mine, too," Ray and Max admitted.

Without Tyson to act stupid and relieve their boredom, they had no other way to entertain themselves than to train the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

Kohari: That's all for now. Hope to hear from y'all soon!

Note: Not proofread as of yet.


	17. Geek Alert!

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 17 - Geek Alert!**

**Kohari: **Wow. Glad to see that my fic still has some support. Anyways, this chapter is dedicated to all those geeks out there (I know there are some out there somewhere...). By the way, there's a site out called Think Geek. Put the two words together, stick 'em between a www. and a .com, and you've got a cool shopping site. I'm tellin' ya, it rocks...Man, I sound like an advertisement... Anyway, I do not pretend to have made up all the jokes in this chapter. Many of them I got from DotCom, which I guess is a company that makes geeky stickers. Research it if ya really want. So! Time for the chapter!

* * *

"Whatcha doin', Grandpa?" Tyson asked, watching his grandfather exit the house, loaded down with expedition gear. 

"Me and mah homeboys gonna go look for the Fountain o' Youth!" Grandpa announced proudly.

"Good luck with that!" Tyson called out, waving. Grandpa said something in some slang that the team could only assume meant "good-bye" before walking through the gates to meet up with his pals.

"They're looking for the Fountain of Youth?" Ray checked, unsure that he had heard Grandpa correctly.

"Yeah, he does that every now and again," Tyson replied, nonchalant.

"We have enough youth," Kai said. "How about a Fountain of Smart?"

"You are so mean, Kai," Tyson told him.

"Hey, when I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you," Kai said.

"Haven't you beaten me enough already?" Tyson asked.

"The beatings will continue until morale improves," Kai answered.

"I have no comment on that," Tyson said, then randomly added, "I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry," Max reminded him.

"Yeah, I know, but I really want some of that spray cheese right now," Tyson admitted.

"You know spray cans destroy the ozone layer, right?" Ray demanded of Tyson.

"Hm...The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can...Please don't make me choose," Tyson begged.

"You're pathetic," Kai told him.

"No, just dain bramaged."

"I won't even say anything on that topic."

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense," Kai advised.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tyson demanded.

"Look, Tyson, 90 percent of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at," Kai explained vaguely. "Right now, you're pretty bad at understanding the words that are coming out of my mouth."

"Whatever," Tyson shrugged it off. "I'm hungry."

"You should totally head the Department of Redundancy Department," Max told him.

"Yeah, I know," Tyson replied. After a few moments, he asked, "What does 'redundancy' mean? And did you know that you said 'Department' twice?"

"Apparently, advanced vocabulary is another thing you lack," Kai commented.

"Stop using big words!" Tyson shouted, frustrated. He panted for a minute or so, having lost his breath, then said again, "I'm hungry."

"I'm getting a feeling of Deja Moo," Ray said.

"Don't you mean Deja Vu?" Max corrected.

"Nope. Deja Moo. It's the feeling that you've heard this bull crap before," Ray explained.

"I like that," Max told him. "That's good. I like that joke."

"Me, too," Ray agreed.

A While Later...

"Where's Kenny?" Max asked randomly.

"I don't know," Ray confessed.

"Who asked you?" Max blew up.

"You did..." Ray reminded him, weirded out.

"Oh, yeah," Max remembered.

"I think he's in my room, working," Tyson replied, refusing to take his eyes off of his portable gaming system.

"You shouldn't be playing video games, Tyson, you should be training," Kai chastised him, plucking the game from Tyson's hands.

"Hey!" Tyson cried out in protest.

"If you want to keep your title of 'World Champ' then you have to work. If you don't wanna work, then you can just quit!" Kai barked.

"I'm not quitting!" Tyson argued. "Now gimme my game!"

"You're right - you're not quitting," Kai yelled. "You're fired!"

"You can't fire me!" Tyson shouted back. "Slaves aren't fired - they're sold!"

"No point in that," Kai retorted. "We won't get much for you."

"Woah, woah, woah," Max stepped in. Although he was eager to see someone kick Tyson's butt, he wanted Kenny to be around to tape it on Dizzi. "Why don't we just go check on Kenny?"

"What's the matter? Can't survive without the nerd for more than ten minutes?" Kai teased.

"He's been gone six hours," Max corrected him.

"Wow," Kai commented, surprised how far off he had been. "Time flies when you're sick and psychotic."

"I'm sure it is," Ray said. "But I'll have to take your word on that."

"Whatever," Kai said. "PRACTICE!!!" he yelled at Tyson.

"Alright!" Tyson yelled back. He got ready to launch his beyblade into the practice arena. "Wait...Kenny said not to mess with my beyblade until he got the upgrades finished."

"Liar! Train!"

"Fine!" Tyson shouted. "But I'm not lying," he added under his breath.

"I remember Kenny saying something like that," Ray warned Kai.

Kai apparently didn't care. "What could possibly happen?"

Ray shrugged. He had tried.

It only took a few practice launches for Tyson's beyblade to destroy itself. "HA! Told you I wan't lying!"

Kai growled, hating being wrong.

"Never, NEVER question the geek's judgement!" Tyson went on. Kai proceeded to strangle him.

"Guys! Guys, stop!" Ray called to them, concerned.

"Hey, guys! Let's just find Kenny and get him to fix it!" Max suggested.

Kai released Tyson's throat. "Let's go find the geek," he agreed.

Outside Tyson's door...

"Why does he have a 'Quiet! Geek At Work' door sign on the knob?" Ray wondered aloud.

"Oh, I put that there," Tyson confessed, then took it off. He didn't want Kenny seeing that he had made fun of him - he might not fix their beyblades anymore.

"Kenny!" Max called, receiving no response.

"Hey, Chief!" Tyson shouted, banging on the door. Still nothing.

"This bites," Max complained. "Why won't he answer?"

"I dunno what his problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce," Tyson added. When they all turned to him, he defended himself with, "Hey! Who doesn't have issues?"

The others sighed and rolled their eyes. Kai spoke up after a few moments of silence. "Isn't this your room, Tyson?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Then why can't you just go in?"

"That's a good question."

So they went in. It was empty except for Dizzi...and Tyson's mess. On Dizzi's screen was the message "The Universe is a figment of its own imagination" doing flips and every other motion.

"Let's see what he was working on!" Tyson suggested enthusiastically. He began typing random letters on the keyboard. The screen saver dissolved and was replaced by the message "ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F-1 to continue."

"What the crap?" Tyson cried out.

"That doesn't make much sense," Max added.

"I know, right?" Tyson agreed. "You can't press a key if the keyboard's not attached."

Ray exchanged glances and informed Tyson in a whisper to avoid embarassment (even though it's unavoidable at this point), "Tyson, that's a laptop."

"I knew that!" Tyson told him. Then it dawned on him what Ray was saying. "Oh...Just kiddin'."

Max took over. "Alright, Dizzi, let's see what Kenny was working on."

"Say please," Dizzi demanded.

"Please," everyone but Tyson said.

"Please," Ty said a bit late.

"Okay," Dizzi agreed. The error message disappeared. In its place was a screen filled with nothing but numbers and equations.

"That's sad," Max commented. "You now you're a geek when you have no life and can prove it mathematically."

"True dat," Ray said. Everyone stared at him. "Whut? I's workin' on muh street slang."

Nobody could find anything to say on the matter at that time.

"What the heck is this stuff?" Max changed the subject.

"Kenny predicted something like this happening one day," Dizzi told them. "So he developed a program to put it all in a language you'd understand."

"Yay!" they celebrated.

"Take us to it, Dizzi!" Max commanded happily.

"Sure thing, Max," Dizzi said. After a moment, a black screen came up with nothing on it but a white blinker. Dizzi explained, "Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue."

"What?"

"Just kididng," Dizzi said. "Press any key...no, no, no, not that one!" she panicked when Tyson reached for a key he couldn't see because of Max's big head. Max slapped his hand to persuade him to keep his mits off the computer.

Max pressed a safe key, "M". Unfortunately, this time the screen was white with a black blinker. "What?" Max asked, confused.

Kenny walked in then. The boys could hear the sound of a toilet flushing in the background. "What's going on?"

"We were curious, so we came to see how you were doing," Tyson explained.

"And we ended up checking out your stuff, 'cause we didn't see you in here," Ray admitted.

"NONE of us understood a thing on that screen." (Kai)

"So Dizzi offered to take us to a program that would tell us what it all meant," Max continued. "But, there's nothing here," he concluded.

"Oh, you're not gonna find anything on that," Kenny revealed.

"Why not?" they all demanded.

"Preliminary tests were...(nervous cough)...inconclusive," Kenny slowly told them.

"Why?" Tyson couldn't resist asking.

Kenny hesitated before replying meekly, "The...the thing blew up."

Gasps and bulging eyes everywhere.

"That reminds me, Tyson, I need to see your beyblade," Kenny said. "I need to design a new prototype."

Outside after Tyson tells Kenny that Kai made him trash his beyblade...

"KAI!" (Kenny)

**

* * *

**

Kohari: That's all for now. Thank you all once again for all the reviews I received! I can't tell you how much it boosted my confidence. Anyways, please tell me your opinions, and if you have ideas that you want me to put in a chapter, just say the word. Thanks again, everyone!

Proofread: Nope


	18. The Llama Song

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 18 - The Llama Song**

Kohari: Hey, guys. Look, I know it's been a while, and I'm already working on the next chapter(s) of JCM. I'm moving this week, and my new home won't have internet, so I don't know when I'll be able to finish 'em up. Until then, the boys are gonna sing "The Llama Song." No, I didn't make it up, it is not my creation, I don't know who did make it up, but if you wanna see a music video of the song, go to my profile page and a link will be there waiting for you. Trust me, click the link. The song is awesome!!!

* * *

In their boredom, Max, Tyson, and Ray decided to sing "The Llama Song." They couldn't convince Hilary, Kai, or Kenny to join in, so they just sung it by themselves. (By the way, this song is sung reallyreallyfast! And I wrote that that way for a reason. lol)

"Here's a llama, there's a llama,  
and another little llama,  
fuzzy llama, funny llama,  
llama, llama, duck!  
Llama, llama, cheesecake, llama,  
tablet, brick, potato, llama,  
llama, llama, mushroom, llama,  
llama, llama, duck!  
I was once a treehouse,  
I lived in a cake!  
But I never saw the way  
the orange slayed the rake.  
I was only three years dead,  
but it told a tale.  
And now, listen, little child  
to the safety rail!  
Did you ever see a llama?  
Kiss a llama? On the llama?  
Llama's llama, tastes of llama,  
llama, llama, duck!  
Half a llama, twice the llama,  
not a llama, farmer, llama,  
llama in a car, alarm a llama,  
llama, duck!  
Is that how it's told now?  
Is it all so old?  
Is it made of lemon juice?  
Doorknob, ankle, cold.  
Now my song is getting thin,  
I've run out of luck!  
Time for me to retire now  
and become a duck!"

"They've certainly run outta luck, huh?" Kai addresses the readers with a smirk and glomps every one of the singers up 'side the head, having been annoyed very much by the song.

* * *

Kohari: Alrighty. That was "The Llama Song." Hope ya liked it. And once again, I will try to be getting those jokes to you really soon, so just bear with me. Thanks, everyone! 


	19. Yo Mama Round One

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 18 - Yo Mama: Round One**

Kohari: Yeah, I know it's been a while. I could list a while bunch of excuses, but it's not really all that important, is it? The important thing is getting funny material onto your computer screen. Right? Right! So here goes!

Note: These jokes credited to bored. com's insults site.

* * *

The gang had gotten bored of training, and since Kai and Kenny weren't there (it's finally Kai's turn to get Dranzer worked on), it was time for some fun. Ray and Tyson had tried to see who could come up with the meanest and/or funniest "yo' mama" joke, but Tyson wasn't all that great at it, and he'd laugh at his own stupid jokes. So Max stepped up the plate, and he and Ray were dukin' it out in a contest to see who could attack with the best "yo' mama" joke. 

"Yo mama," Ray started, having won the preliminary battle against Tyson and so going first, "is so poor, she married young just to get the rice!"

"Yo mama," Max returned, "so dumb, she failed a survey!"

"Yo mama so poor, people rob her house for practice!" (Ray)

"Yo mama so old, her birth certificate's in Roman numerals!" (Max)

"Yo mama so dumb her latest invention was a glass hammer!" (Ray)

"Yo mama's so dumb I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!" (Max)

"Yo mama's so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!" (Ray)

"Yo mama's so dumb I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope and when I asked asked what she was doing, she said she was sending a voice mail!" (Max)

"Yo mama's so dumb she passed by YMCA and said 'Hey, look, they spelled MACYs wrong!" (Ray)

"Yo mama's so dumb her brain cells die ALONE!" (Max)

"Yo mama's so dumb she invented a silent car alarm!" (Ray)

"Yo mama's so dumb I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it!" (Max)

"Yo mama's so dumb she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken!" (Ray)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she can't even find her own house!" (M)

"Yo mama's so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks fingers!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb she asked for a price check at the dollar store!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb I told her drinks were on the house so she went and got a ladder!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb I put a Scratch-N-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911!" (R)

"Yeah, well, yo mama's so dumb, on _her_ job application where it said 'Sign Here' she put Gemini." (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she invented a solar-powered flashlight!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, when people ask her for crack, she bends over and says 'here'." (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb she got fired from the M&Ms factory for throwing out all the W&Ws." (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she got locked in a bathroom and wet her pants!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she asked what letter came after X, and when I said, 'Y,' she said, 'Because I wanna know." (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she noticed a sign that said 'Wet Floor' so she did." (R)

"Yo mama's so old, one of her pets was on Noah's Ark!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she ordered a cheeseburger from a fast-food restaurant and said 'Hold the cheese.'" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she put her watch in the bank to save time!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, I can always tell when she's been using my computer 'cause of the white-out on the screen!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she took a doughnut back to the shop, complaining it had a hole in it!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, her boobs are square 'cause she forgets to take the tissues outta the box!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her thoughts you'd get change!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she thinks she has a twin that lives in her mirror!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she went to the post office 'cause she thought they sold food stamps!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she thought the internet was something you catch fish with!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she thought a lawsuit was what you wore to court!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she tried to drown a fish!" (R)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she ordered her sushi well done!" (M) 

"Yo mama's so dumb, she tried to killa bird by throwing it off a cliff!" (R)

"Yo mama's so old, she remembers when the Grand Canyon was just a ditch!" (M)

"Yo mama's so old, when she was young, rainbows were in black and white!" (R)

"Yo mama's so po she can't even afford the last two letters!" (Max)

"That was good," Ray acknowledged. Max thanked him and they high-fived each other.

Next time, it's Max versus Tyson! (Tyson hates losing.)

* * *

Kohari: Sorry that was so short. But if you review fast enough, maybe I'll post Round Two before the end of my Spring Break!

Note: Not proofread.


	20. Round Two

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 19 - Yo Mama: Round Two**

Kohari: As most of you may not know, I no longer reside at home, so I'm kinda internet-deprived. So guess what that means? Very few updates...Yeah...not to mention I have my Senior Project portfolio due next week, a reading journal giving ten quotes from a book analyzing themes, prom on the fifth (Do you people realize how much is going on that weekend?! An air show, a festival celebrating strawberries - the biggest and best festival of the year in my area - a banquet for the Honors students that plan to attend the college I'm going to - which I will not be able to attend because of prom. Yeah. A lot going on. There's more drama going on, too, so check out my profile to learn more. Anyways, time to start the chapter. I'm kinda limited on time.

Note: As always, the disclaimer is in effect. I own nothing copyrighted mentioned in this fic.

* * *

Recap: Max and Ray had a "Yo Mama" contest, which Max won. Tyson, who had lost to Ray before, wanted a chance to redeem himself, and so Max and Tyson are gonna duke it out right now. And, as we all know, the rules say "Winner goes first." 

Max started it off with, "Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road."

"Oh yeah? Well, Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice!" Tyson attacked back.

"Yo mama talks so much, her mouth is like a convenience store - open 24 hours a day!" Max sniped.

"Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctors spanked her parents," Tyson said.

"The last time I saw a mouth like yo mama's, it had a hook in it." (Max)

"Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen the rats jump on the table and start screaming!" (Tyson)

"Yo mama's so ugly, Medusa is jealous!" (Max)

"Yo mama's so ugly that when I put my butt out the window and she put her face out the window, people thought we were twins!" (Tyson)

"Yo mama's so ugly that when she went out the zoo, the zookeeper said 'Get back to your cage.'" (Max)

"Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it at a birthday party!" (T)

Here comes a classic: "Yo mama's so ugly that she went to an ugly contest and they said 'sorry - no professionals.'" (M)

"Yo mama's so ugly that when she cries, the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face!" (T)

"Yo mama's so ugly that when she went on vacation in Scotland, she scared the monster of Loch Ness!" (M) (A/N: So that's why they can't find Nessie anymore! lol)

"Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex!" (T) (A/N: The funniest thing about this part is that we've all seen Max's mom, and she's skinnier than a rail! lol)

"Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house, the tires pop!" (M) Oh, a double-whammy!

" Yo mama's so fat, folks exercise by jogging around her!" (T)

"Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint - it has sweaters!" (M)

"Yo mama's belly button has an echo!"

"Yo mama's belly button has its own Congressman!"

"Yo mama's so big that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step!" (T)

"Yo mama's so big that her graduation picture had to be an aerial view!" (M)

"Yo mama's so big she uses a jungle gym for a walker!" (T)

"Yo mama's so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dirty, a family of mice inhabit her bellybutton!" (T)

"Yo mama's so nasty, her Sure deodorant is now Confused!" (M)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she invented a waterproof teabag!" (T)

"Yo mama's so cheap, instead of buying a fire alarm, she hangs Jiffy Pop from the ceiling!" (M)

"Yo mama's so evil, she makes the devil look like a good guy." (T)

"Yo mama's so dirty she lost 2 pounds after taking a shower!" (M)

"Yo mama's so bald, you can see what's on her mind!" (T) (A/N: Again, we've seen Max's mom...she's not bald...stupid Tyson.)

"Yo mama's so balds she curls her hair with rice!" (M) "And, her nose is so big, she can't go to the zoo because the elephants get jealous!"

"Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in Surround Sound!" (T)

Also, we know that Ty's house isn't that small, but still, this is a "Yo Mama" match: "Yo mama's house so small that I put my key in the doorlock and broke the back window!"

"Yo mama died her hair green once and thought she was a tree!" (T)

"Yo mama's so grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals!" (M)

"Yo mama's hair so greasy, she uses it to fry chickens!" (T)

"You know what story about the little old lady that lived in a shoe?" Max asked Tyson. Tyson said "Yeah," confused as to what that had to do with their "Yo Mama" fight. "Well," Max went on, "yo mama's so poor, she lives in a flip-flop!"

"I think Max won that one, too," Ray concluded.

"Yeah, you win," Tyson acknowledged.

"Yes!" Max celebrated. That's when Kai showed up.

"What's going on here?" Kai demanded.

The boys explained everything. Kai was silent, then started on Max, "Well, yo mama..."

You'll have to find out what he says in Round Three!

* * *

Kohari: Yup, next time it's Max vs Kai. Kai gets to go first this time because, well, Max doesn't wanna get the crap beat out of him by Kai. So review for me, and hopefully I'll have the next chapter up really soon. There may end up being a Round Four if enough of you want it. If you ask for Round Four, though, make sure you specify who you want to "fight." K? Alrighty, get to reviewing everyone! Please?

Note: This was not proofread and was typed up and updated in a hurry, so any mistakes made, please lemme know. Okay? Thanks!


	21. Round Three

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 21: Yo Mama Round Three**

Kohari: Okay, I'm not gonna make any excuses about why it took me so long to update. There are more than a couple long stories about what's been going on lately. But anyway, here's the chapter.

Note: Why did nobody notice that the chapter numbers were off? I feel stupid now!

* * *

Recap: Kai wanted in on the "Yo Mama" battles, and since he can physically beat up Max, he gets to go first. 

"Well, yo mama," Kai began, "is so dumb and so poor that she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!"

"Yo mama's so poor, when I lit a match in your house, the cockroaches started singing 'Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, 'cause we got heat!'" Max said. (By the way, no, I don't know what that's from.)

"Yo mama's so poor, I went through her front door and ended up in the back yard!" (Kai)

"Yo mama's so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk!" (Max) (A/N: Does anybody else think it's kinda funny that Max is calling Kai's mama poor when we all know that Kai's family is rich?)

"Yo mama's so poor, her idea of air conditioning is waving around ice cubes!" (Kai)

"Yo mama's -bleep!- is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for having 20 lbs of crack!" (Max)

"At least my mama's -bleep! (again)- ain't as big as yo mama's - hers takes up five rows at the movie theatre!" (Kai)

"Yo mama's house made o' toilet paper 'cause all yo' family's made o' crap!" (A/N: Y'all gotta admit - that was a good one!)

"Yo mama's so fat, her shadow weighs 50 pounds!" (Kai)

"Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels she strikes oil!" (That would explain the family's inheritance!)

"Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her in the ocean!" (Kai)

"Well, yo mama's so _dumb_, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag!" (Max)

"Yo mama's so _old_, her memory's in black and white!" (K)

"Not as old as yo mama - she went to an antiques auction and three people bid on her!" (M)

"Yo mama's got legs so hairy, they put her in a zoo 'cause they thought she was a gorilla!" (K)

"Why were you lookin' at my mama's legs?" Max couldn't help but ask, which caused everyone else to burst into laughter except Kai.

"Are you forfeiting, Max?" Kai asked.

"No," Max replied. "Yo mama's so fat that once, when she ran out into the street while I was driving, I tried to swerve but ran outta gas!"

"Yo mama's so flat, she envies the wall!" (K)

"What is it with you and jokes about my mama's body?" Max demanded. "Why are you checkin' out my mama?"

"Because I wanna be yo' daddy," Kai joked.

Everybody else laughed, but Max was disgusted by that thought. "That's sick, yo."

"Max, we're in a yo mama match. Keep up the 'yo mama' jokes or you lose," Kai reminded him.

"Alright, alright. Yo mama's so cheap, she washes paper plates!"

"Yo mama's so nasty, when I talked to her on AIM (no own!), she gave me a virus." (K)

"Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwhacker!" (M)

"Yo mama's so lazy, she doesn't walk in her sleep - she hitch-hikes!" (K)

"Yo mama's so short, she can do backflips under her bed!" (M)

"Yo mama's so slow, she can't even catch her own breath!" (K)

"Yo mama's so smelly, the government makes her wear a Biohazard warning!" (M)

"Yo mama's so ugly, she went into a store and the manager said, 'No dogs, please.'" (K)

"Yo mama's so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on!" (M)

"Yo mama's so tall, she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon!" (K)

"Yo mama's so dumb, she mops the carpet!" (M)

"Yo mama's so stupid, she convinced Kohari to make you lose this yo mama fight!" (Kai)

Max sighed. He knew from experience: You can't win against Kai.

"Who's next?" Kai challenged.

* * *

Kohari: Okay, I'm still not sure whether I'm gonna make a Round Four yet. That really depends on you guys, I guess. Anyways, I know this was kinda short. For that, I'm sorry. And for those of you who have asked if you can use these jokes, I don't care if you do or do not. I didn't make 'em up - they're commonly used and there is an archive of all the Yo Mama jokes on dumb. com. 

Note: This was not proofread.


	22. Just a Day for Surprises

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 22: Just a Day for Surprises**

Kohari: I was gonna have one more round of "Yo Mama" jokes, but I decided that since I'm going to "retire" from fanfiction soon, I'll go ahead and put up some more jokes. I was getting bored of writing the same theme over and over, anyway.

Warning: They're probably gonna be really OOC in this chapter.

* * *

"Why are you looking at me like that, you punk?" Kai demanded when he spotted Tyson staring at him funny. 

"Kai," Tyson began, keeping a straight face, "we've been through a lot together, haven't we?"

"More like you put me through a lot of crap, but yeah, guess," Kai answered, not sure where this conversation was going. Max and Ray were just as confused as Kai.

"I've been thinking," Tyson continued, still keeping a straight face. "We've been hanging out for...about three years. That's long enough to get to know someone, right?"

"I guess,' Kai replied, weirded out by the direction of the conversation.

"Good," Tyson responded. "'Cause I been thinking."

"Yeah, you told us," Kai reminded him. "And you shouldn't think, Tyson. Your brain'll short-circuit."

"Haha! You have an awesome sense of humor, Kai! I love that about you!" Tyson laughed. "Now I'm even more determined to ask you this question."

"What?"

Tyson pulled out a ring he had bought for 25 cents at the grocery store and got down on his knees in front of Kai. "Will you marry me?"

Max and Ray burst into laughter while Kai's face distorted into a look of digust. Kai twitched for a few seconds, then regained composure and started beating the crap out of Tyson.

"I'm kidding! I swear, I'm kidding!" It was only when Tyson admitted he was joking that Kai finally stopped beating him up.

"Even more shocking than Tyson wanting to marry Kai - " Max started to say.

" - I didn't REALLY wanna marry him! I said I was kidding!" Tyson interrupted.

"I'm not so sure about that, Tyson," Max told him, half-way joking. "Anyway," he continued, ignoring Tyson's shouts, "I have an even more important announcement to make!"

Everyone's attention was now directed at him. People even gathered in front of the dojo on the street as Max stood up and puffed his chest out confidently. "I have decided to run for the office of President of the United States!" Max proclaimed.

"Yay, Max!" some girls cheered from the street, rushing him. They hugged him and congratulated him, and swore their loyalty to him and their plans to vote for him.

"He's not old enough to run for President!" Tyson reminded them all. He was once again ignored. "Fine! Then I'm gonna run for President, too!"

The girls all over Max stuck their tongues out at Tyson simultaneously, but there were a few female fans of Tyson who were now ganging up against Max's fan club. The two groups started battling it out, arguing over who would be President.

"Sorry, girls, but Tyson's right," Ray reminded the women who had been so supportive of Max. "Max can't run for President just yet." Max's fan club glared at him.

"Sorry, ladies, but they're right," Max apologized. The girls sighed in disappointment and trudged back to the street to complete their errands.

"Tyson's not old enough, either," Ray crashed the party of Tyson's celebrating fan club. Tyson stammered something inaudible, and the girls realized that Tyson was, in fact, too young to run for President. They trudged off to finish their chores, too.

"You guys need to stop acting serious about stupid stuff like that," Ray lectured. "People are starting to believe you."

"But we're bored," Tyson whined. "We have to do something dramatic so we attract attention. That way, we're having too much fun to be bored."

"Yeah," Max agreed.

Ray sighed. Kai broke in, "If you're so bored, then practice your beyblading."

"I don't wanna," Max stamped his foot childishly, folding his arms in protest.

"Kenny's working on Dragoon," Tyson excused himself.

"Then clean the dojo!" Kai commanded.

"But I don't wanna!" Tyson stamped his foot and folded his arms like Max.

"What's it feel like to be a mom, Kai?" Hilary joked, just arriving.

"Hilary, we're bored!" Tyson complained.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Entertain me," Tyson replied.

"No," Hilary flatly refused.

"Then go on a date with me," Tyson suggested.

"Heck no."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeease?"

"I said no."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"NO!"

"Aw, come on."

"No."

"Come ooooon!" Tyson begged.

"No."

"Come oooooooooooooooooooooon."

"NO!"

"Come oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-breath-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon."

"Tyson, if you don't shut up with that, I'm gonna take a stick and ram it up your butt so far it pops out your nose," Hilary threatened.

"Ouch, that's gonna hurt," Ray remarked.

"I wanna see her do it," Max added.

"I don't!" Tyson hollered.

"Then stop asking me out!" Hilary yelled even louder.

"You're so mean..." Tyson sniffed, then went inside the dojo and began to sweep the floor.

Max beckoned everyone over to him, then gestured for them all to huddle. "So who all think Tyson's a pain in the butt?" Everyone raised their hands. "So Tyson's annoyed every one of us at least once, right?"

"Right!"

"So then are we all in agreement that we should pay him back?" Max suggested.

"Agreed!" they all chorused.

"Good, 'cause I have a plan!" Max exclaimed. "I just need to go to the joke store real quick."

Later...

Tyson was sent out while the others prepared the gag. When he returned, he started walking up the steps but halted before he reached the top. He cried out in disgust when he saw on the top step a great, big pile of dog poop. "EWWWW!"

He ran inside to clean up his shoes, just in case he had gotten some crap on them. But before he could check, however, right beside the chair he had seated himself on was another piece of dog mess. Tyson immediately jumped up and ran up the stairs, careful to avoid the dog poop on the bottom, middle, and top stairs.

Meanwhile, Max and the others were laughing it up outside. They knew that the poop wasn't real. They followed Tyson into the house when they had calmed down, suppressing the urge to laugh every time he saw some more crap.

Tyson opened the door to his room and plopped down on the bed, exhausted. He happened to look at the pillow right beside his head. Resting on the white cushion was yet another turd. In the next second, Tyson was standing up, rubbing his hands all over the back of his head to ensure there was nothing nasty caught in his hair.

"We don't even have a dog!" he shouted in dispair. "Or did Grandpa get a dog today and it's not yet housebroken?" he wondered aloud. "That's it!" he shouted. "I'm leaving until that dog learns to do its business outside!"

He made his way to his underwear drawer, where there was one final turd, bigger than the rest. Tyson drew back, grossed out.

"I'll get that, Tyson," Max told him. He then reached into Tyson's drawer with his bare hands. Before Tyson could stop him, Max had grabbed the poop. "Here ya go!" Max tossed the plastic turd gently at Tyson's face. Tyson fainted from disgust, still thinking it was real poop. He landed on another small hill of brown.

"I didn't know we put one there," Hilary said.

"We didn't," Max reminded her.

A cute puppy woofed, calling all of their attention to the doorway. It wagged its tail playfully.

"Ewww!"

* * *

Kohari: Okay, that's enough for today. Remember to review for me! 

Note: Not proofread.


	23. Warning

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 23: Warning**

Kohari: Update! Whoohoo! By the way, I'm not making these up. And thank bored . com for pointing out that these exist. By the way, some of these I've seen with my own eyes. Others I'm just taking from the site, so I don't know if that's exactly what it says on the package.

Reminder: I DO NOT own these products. The copyrighted company/brand name, anyway.

* * *

"Um...guys?" Tyson called out to his friends. He had been assigned the job of unclogging the toilet, so when they arrived, thinking he was in trouble, all they saw was Tyson staring at a sticky piece of paper wrapped around the brand new toilet plunger. 

"What?" they all asked, irritated that Tyson had called them for something so stupid.

"You're not gonna believe this," he told them.

"Well, what is it, Tyson?" Kenny ventured to ask.

"Read that," Tyson said, pointing to the label. "What does that say?"

Kenny read, "'Caution: Do not use near power lines.'"

"What the -!" Ray exclaimed. "Who comes up with this stuff?"

"Let's go see what other stupid warnings we can find!" Max suggested, bored. The bathroom was the perfect place to start - all the cleaning supplies were there. (Kai, obviously, did not participate. We'll see more of him later on in the fic, though. When it comes to dissin' people, Kai's the best!)

"Guys! I found one!" Max beckoned them over, holding a bottle of Windex. "Check this out! It says not to spray it in your eyes!"

"Where do they come up with this stuff?" Tyson wondered aloud. "Like someone's just gonna think their eyes look dirty, so they spray it with Windex?"

"Is this your hair dye, Kenny?" Ray asked. (Remember how in the first season, Chief was a redhead, then all of a sudden, after that, he was a brunette?)

"Yeah," Kenny blushed.

"Did you know you weren't supposed to use it as an ice cream topping?"

Everyone scrambled over to look, not believing their ears.

"Bowl Fresh," Tyson announced. "Take a look at this: 'Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.'"

"The ever-famous hair dryer warning!" Max looked under the sink. They all chorused what was on the warning label. "'Do not use while taking a shower.'"

"I wonder who was the first person to try that." (Tyson)

"You're not supposed to use it while sleeping, either," Max added.

"'Aw, man! I was sleep-stylin' again!'" Tyson quoted Bill Engvall.

"Hey, did you guys know that matches are flammable?" (Ray) "It says here that 'contents may catch fire.'"

"Why do you keep matches in the bathroom, Tyson?" Max wondered aloud. "I thought you were supposed to keep 'em in the kitchen."

"You can have 'em wherever you friggin' want!" Tyson defended himself, and anyone who has matches in their bathroom.

"Has anyone ever tried curling their eyes?" Max found Hilary's curling iron. "Apparently you're not supposed to, because curling irons burn eyes."

"You're not supposed to use toilet brushes orally, either," Tyson announced.

"And air freshener is 'for use by trained professionals only'," Ray added.

"Let's go look at stuff in the kitchen!" Max suggested when nobody had found anything after a few minutes. Max was the first person to find something. "Ohmigod, ohmigod, check out this microwave warning: 'Do not use for drying pets.'"

"For some reason, that's sick and funny at the same time," Ray said. "To think about, I mean. If it were really happening, it would be just plain sick."

"Yeah. That's just wrong," Tyson agreed. "Hey, just in case no one knew how to turn on an expresso kettle, the directions say to flip the on/off switch to the 'on' position."

"And was there anyone who wasn't aware that salt is high in sodium?" Ray was looking at a package of salt.

"Is this weird or what?" Max asked from inside the pantry. "Look at this box of Frosted Cheerios. The logo, 'Tastes so good this box never closes,' is located just underneath another announcement: 'To close: place tab here.'"

"That's..." Ray couldn't find a word to describe that.

"I didn't know that Hershey's Almond Chocolate bars contained traces of nuts," Tyson announced sarcastically. He then shoved the entire chocolate bar down his throat.

The boys went through the entire house and dojo and compiled a list of more stupid warnings.

(Note: The rest of these were copied-and-pasted from bored . com.)

**Liquid Plummer **  
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

**Endust Duster  
**This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

**Stridex Foaming Face Wash**  
May contain foam.

**Sleeping Pills  
**Warning: May cause Drowsiness

**Christmas Lights  
**Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

**Earplugs  
**These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

**Mattress **  
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

**RCA Television Remote Control  
**Not Dishwasher Safe

**Silk Soy Milk  
**Shake well and buy often

**Heinz Ketchup  
**Instructions: Put on food

**Bag of Fritos:  
**You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

**Bar of Dial soap:**  
Directions: Use like regular soap.

**Swann frozen dinners:**  
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

**New Zealand insect spray:  
**This product not tested on animals.

**Blanket from taiwan:**  
not to be used as protection from a tornado

**Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:**  
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

**Disposable razor:  
**Do not use this product during an earthquake.

* * *

Kohari: Okay, that's enough for today. Remember to review for me! 

Note: Not proofread.


	24. Office Slang

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 24: Office Slang**

Kohari: I had another idea before this, something dealing with buckets of paint, doggie treats, and Tyson's beyblade. But I can't really remember where I was going with it. lol. Anyways, here's a list of office slang to keep y'all busy 'til I can remember what my plans were...

By the way, this list is credited to the Bored site. There are some words in here that are not G-rated, but I don't think y'all care about that.

* * *

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking John. He's 404."

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek."

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!" (Synonym: "Head Crash")

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. "After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him."

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. "I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Chips and Salsa - Chips hardware, salsa software. "First we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM."

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!"

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING...

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year"

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?"

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour."

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It's a Feature - From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

Mouse Potato - The online generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you've just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't require training. "That new guy is totally plug-and-play."

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.

Ribs 'N' Dick - A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. "God, today was a total salmon day!"

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "Hollywired"

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. "Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage"

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. "There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, "this is Dale, my...um...friend."

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

* * *

Kohari: There ya go.

Note: Not proofread.


	25. Stupid Tyson

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 25: Stupid Tyson**

Kohari: I still don't remember what it was I had planned. So I'm gonna just gonna keep it rolling. Once again, most of these jokes are credited to bored. com.

* * *

Kai had gotten annoyed with Tyson and given him back to Grandpa to train. 

"So how stupid would you say Tyson is?" Max asked everyone.

"He's a few cards short of a full deck," Ray answered.

"I think he's a few clowns short of a circus," Kenny replied.

"A few fries short of a Happy Meal," Max added. (A/N: I do not own McDonald's. I don't even like McDonald's. They're mean to chickens!!! And that stuff you think is ice cream...that's not ice cream. For more information read the book "Chew On This." I can't remember the author's name right now, but everyone should read that book.)

"He's a few dice short of a Monopoly game," Kai joined in.

"What else to do we have to say about Tyson and his stupidity?" Max encouraged them.

"He has a face that was bred for radio," Ray said.

"I said stupidity, not ugliness," Max told him.

"I know," Ray replied. "I just wanted to say that."

"Can't argue with that," Max concluded. "Anyways, let's carry on."

"He's got a black-and-white mind working in a color-coded world," Kenny continued.

"He has a great deal of pride, but he has very little to be proud of." (Kai)

"He's a gross ignoramus - he's 144 times worse than your typical ignoramus." (Kenny)

"Quit hoggin' the dis!" Max complained. "It's my turn to trash Tyson!"

"Then hurry up and trash him so I can verbally bash him!" Ray rushed him.

"Aliens zapped Tyson with a stupidity ray - Twice!"

"I think he's a statue in world of pigeons," Ray said.

"He's a Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body." (Kenny)

"He has a photographic memory with no film and the lens cap glued on," Kai whipped out two cliches.

"He's a poor excuse for protoplasm," Kenny agreed.

"A minefield of information," Ray added.

"He's the perfect argument for birth control." (Max)

"He had all his eggs in the same basket, and he tripped and fell early in the game." (Ray)

"All of his bytes are odd," Kenny said.

Silence.

"Did anybody out in the audience understand what that meant?" Max asked, confused.

"I didn't get it either," Ray sympathized with him.

"Okay. Whatever. Keep it going!"

"He's all show and no go," Kai continued.

"If you ask me, I think when he was a baby, he got deprived of a little too much oxygen," Kenny suggested.

"He's just a bit behind the 8-ball." (Max)

"Both of his oars are in the water, but they're on the same side of the boat." (Ray)

"He's too easily outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff." (Kai) (A/N: No own)

"The guy cheats when he fills out opinion surveys!" Max cried out.

"He couldn't count to 21 if he was barefoot and without pants." (Kai)

"Was that statement kid-friendly?" Ray wondered aloud.

"Who cares?" Max butted in. "We were talking about Tyson having diarhea of the mouth and constipation of the ideas."

"That was...an interesting choice of words," Kenny said.

"I think we're being too hard on him, guys. I mean, come on, Max, cut him a break," Ray began. "He's from Uranus!"

"That's no excuse for driving down the road of life with the sun shield still up!" Max protested.

"But it would explain why he's a fruit waiting for a cake to happen," Kai butted in.

"He's more like evidence of the theory of evolution - he proves that dinosaurs once had tiny brains." (Kenny)

"I think his whole family was the control group." (Max)

"Either that or he fell outta the family tree," Ray added.

"Here's the real reason, you guys!" Max got their attention. "A fog rolled in on the day he was born."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"A bit of it never rolled out."

"Well, Tyson's elevator still doesn't go all the way to the top floor," Kenny said.

"I will say this about him," Ray stated, "he has a mind all his own."

"That's probably because nobody else wanted it," Kai pointed out.

"Well, God ran outta good ones," Max guessed, "so he had to substitute a peanut for Tyson's brain."

"I don't even think that's the case," Kenny contradicted him. "There's nothing in that head of his."

"He should post a sign on his head saying 'Space for Rent'," Ray suggested.

"No, he's got a mind in there," Kai assured them. "In fact, he has two. One's lost, and the other's out looking for the lost one."

"I'm kinda worried about the lost one, guys," Max admitted. "It's too small to be out on its own."

"Both of them are," Kenny agreed.

"He seems to be having a party going 24/7 in his head, but nothing seems to be dancing," Ray observed.

"That would explain why he randomly breaks into song sometimes and begins trying to tap-dance like the penguins on 'Happy Feet'," Max said. (A/N: Again, I don't own the copyrights or anything. But I love that movie!)

"The keyword there is try. He certainly can't." (Ray)

"What do you expect from someone whose ancestors came here in search of bananas?" Max asked.

"Guys," Kenny interrupted. "Tyson's family had a very important function in history."

"What was that?" Ray was curious to know.

"Their IQ levels were the reason mathematicians discovered negative numbers."

"Yeah, he's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't have sunk if it had been floating in his head." (Max)

"It wouldn't have hit anything in there big enough to cause it any problems," Ray reminded him.

"Give him some credit," Kai demanded. "He's not a complete idiot, at least."

"What makes you say that?"

"Some parts are missing."

"We're being mean, you guys," Max stopped them for a minute. "Tyson's going through a tough time right now."

"The toughest time he's having is putting up with Grandpa's training," Ray argued.

"He's being taken to court," Max informed him.

"Why?" Kenny asked.

"His brain's suing him for neglect."

"He should countersue for non-support," Kenny suggested.

"That's gonna be hard, considering his spirit-guide is rumored to be a three-toed sloth," Ray observed.

"If ideas were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage," Kai went back to the original topic.

"Well, there is at least one way in which he's luckier than we are," Max pointed out.

"What's that?"

"He never gets sick."

"I don't get it." (Ray)

"Diseases can't exist in a vacuum," Kenny explained the joke.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Tyson wandered into the room.

"Nothing," everyone chorused.

* * *

Kohari: Here's something to wonder about - are they trying to avoid telling Tyson they were bad-mouthing him or are they referring to his intelligence/status? Anyways, there are a whole lot more of these if you check out that site I keep telling you about. 

Note: Not proofread.


	26. Guy School

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 26: Guy School**

Kohari: I'm using the same site as always. And all the Kai fans should really like this chapter - he plays a big part in this one. Even though he is a bit out of character...

* * *

"Ya know what?" Ray asked randomly. 

"What?" the others couldn't help but ask. (Minus Kenny. He's not in this one.)

"We've done just about every topic for this fic," Ray observed. "We've talked about crazy philosophies, sick people, Driver's Ed, stupid people, messed up children's tales, weird answering machine messages, geeks, magic...

"So what's your point?" Kai demanded.

"We haven't talked about pick-up lines yet!"

"Oh!" everyone realized.

"I mean, guys have so much trouble nowadays finding the right lines to pick up chicks," Ray explained. "We should help them. As members of the male sex, it is our duty to help our fellow guys in their time of distress."

"No," Kai said flatly. "They can go it on their own. Haven't you heard of survival of the fittest?"

"Kai doesn't wanna do it 'cause he's not ready to admit he doesn't know any good pick-up lines," Tyson declared.

"Either that, or he knows the best ones and doesn't wanna share 'em," Max pointed out.

"So which is it, Kai?" Tyson pressed.

Kai refused to answer.

"We can make a Guy School without him, guys," Max concluded.

"We have searched the world over and have found the best pick-up lines," Ray began the introduction to Guy School. "These pick-up lines have been compiled into a chapter that you can conveniently print off and take with you, for whenever you might need them."

"We pride ourselves in using only the coolest and most efficient pick-up lines," Max added, but was interrupted by Tyson before he could say more.

"Papa Bear looked okay, Mama Bear looked a little better, but mmmmm, Baby Bear's lookin' just right!"

Max and Ray exchanged glances.

"Okay," Ray took it from there, "that was an example of something you should NOT say."

"That outfit is horrible - take it off right now!" Tyson went on.

"Again, something you should NEVER say."

Max couldn't keep himself from laughing. Tyson continued with other things like, "Your name's Sexy, right?"

Ray gave up, just telling the male readers that anything Tyson says is probably not a good pick-up line to use. Tyson was just revealing his latest, "Excuse me, but could you step into the light over there so I can check you out?", when Hilary walked in.

Kai took the initiative. "I hope your day has been as wonderful as your smile," he told her charmingly. Hilary blushed, giggling. "Would you mind holding this while I take a walk?" he asked, placing his hand in hers.

"Okay," she agreed, and they left together to stroll around the garden behind the dojo.

All jaws dropped.

"Wow. Kai's good," Max observed.

"Real good," Ray agreed. He then turned to the male members of the audience. "THAT is exactly what you need to do!" he instructed them, pointing at where Kai and Hilary had left.

"He took my girl!" Tyson got over the initial shock. "Just like that, he took my girl!"

"That's kinda what happens when other guys are more attractive than you," Max reminded him.

Kai returned with a few more women. "I picked up some volunteers to help with the Guy School thing," he told them, once again causing jaws to drop in amazement and jealousies to flare.

Tyson didn't waste any time. He scurried over to a pretty little blonde and said, "You smell - let's go take a shower!" This earned him a very hard slap, dealt immediately across his cheek. "How about I just ask you to a nice dinner, then?" Another slap.

"As if, pervert!" the blonde shouted, then started stomping out the dojo.

"As you can see," Ray took advantage of the situation, "Tyson's disgusting, insulting, and just plain wrong attempt did not work."

Kai stopped the blonde girl before she left. "I'll bet you $20 that I can kiss you without using my lips."

"You're on!" She had scarcely uttered the words before Kai took her into his arms and kissed her.

"Well, what do you know? I lost," Kai admitted, taking a twenty out of his pocket. The girl smiled and whispered something in his ear. Kai nodded and grinned back. She waved to him sweetly as she left.

"What'd she say?" Max, Ray, and Tyson were dying to know.

"She wanted to know if I'd meet her for dinner later," Kai informed them.

"Where at?"

"That'd be none of your business," Kai put them in their places.

"My turn!" Max reverted back to the original topic of picking up women. He picked a cute little redhead. "Hey, do you know how heavy polar bears are?"

"No," she replied. "How heavy are they?"

"Heavy enough to break the ice," he answered. "Hi, I'm Max."

"Heather," she gave him her name as she shook hands with him in greeting.

"Wow, you're so hot, the first four letters of your name spell heat," Max noticed.

"Right, well," Heather, already annoyed by Max, searched for an excuse to leave, "I need to go finish grocery shopping. Bye." She, too, left.

"Ouch," Tyson frowned.

"He looked like he had scored, but at the last second, he lost her," Ray inserted commentary.

"Let's see you do better," Max challenged him.

"Okay," Ray accepted. He walked over to a pretty brunette. "Hey, miss. My friends have been puzzling over a question, and we're wanting to know what you make of it."

"Alright," she agreed.

"I'm gonna need your hand. It makes it easier to visualize."

"Okay..." The brunetted gave him her hand. Ray took it palm-side-up.

"Here's a river," Ray began, tracing his finger along the two lines running across her palm. "On one side of the river is a big, juicy, yummy carrot," he set the scene, pointing to one side of the 'river.' "On the other, there's a hungry little bunny," Ray pointed to the other side of the 'river.' "How does the bunny get to the other side of the river so he can eat the carrot?"

The brunette thought it over. "I don't know," she admitted. "How _does_ the bunny get to the other side of the river?"

"I don't know, either," Ray confessed. "I just wanted a chance to hold your hand."

"Aww," the brunette cooed, flattered. "That's so sweet."

"By the way, do you believe in fairy tales?" Ray asked her.

"Fairy tales don't really exist," she reminded him.

"I dunno about that. It looks like one's starting right now," he contradicted her, gazing into her eyes.

"It looks like he's got her, Max," Tyson whispered to his blonde buddy, who was steaming because Ray was holding out longer than he had.

All of a sudden, the brunette's phone rings. She checked to see who it was. "I'm sorry," she excused herself. "My boyfriend's calling."

Ray slapped himself on the forehead as Max and Tyson began laughing it up. "Do me a favor and tell your boyfriend he's a lucky guy!" he shouted to the brunette as she walked off, blabbing away on her cell phone.

"My turn again!" Tyson called it. He pranced over to another brunette. "Hey, Hershey's makes millions of kisses in one day. Can I get one from you?"

"Sure," the girl replied. As Tyson closed his eyes and puckered up, she took his hand and placed a silver foil-covered Hershey Kiss into his hand. "There ya go." Seeing Tyson's expression, she added, "You can't say you didn't get what you asked for."

"You'll have to excuse my friend," Ray pleaded, approaching. "He's an idiot. But I understand. Your smile is too beautiful to waste on someone like him."

"Hey!" Tyson protested.

"Could you spare one for me?" Ray asked. "I've had a really bad day, and it always makes me feel better to see a beautiful girl smile."

The brunette couldn't help but smile at that remark. "By the way," Ray went on, shoving Tyson away, "did you know I could read palms?"

"Oh, really?" she played along.

"Yeah. I'll show you. Let me see your palm." As she gave him her hand, Ray whipped a pen out of his pocket and wrote his phone number on her palm. "It says here that you're gonna call me soon!"

"I'm dyslexic," she informed him, no longer smiling.

Ray apologized and retreated. Max tried his hand at winning her over. "Hey, miss. I just wanted to give you the pleasure of turning me down. Go ahead and say no. Will you go out with me?"

"No," she answered.

Max snapped his fingers in agitation and rejoined Ray and Tyson. Kai finally went over to her.

"Listen, you're a good-looking girl. You've probably heard just about every pick-up line in the book, so why don't you just go ahead and tell me the ones that worked so we can get past all that?"

"Are you allowed to do that?" Max asked Ray.

"Apparently."

Long story short, Kai got the girl's number and she went home.

"Of course," Kai informed all the guys reading this, "the best way to get a girl is not to use pick-up lines. The wrong ones will just chase the girl away. If you do choose to use a pick-up line, use a respectful one. Those are the ones most likely to work. Now get back to training!" he commanded Max, Ray, and Tyson, who immediately started doing push-ups.

* * *

Kohari: Being a girl, I've never tried any of these out. So guys, if you use any of these, you do so at your own risk. But here's a little bit of advice. The bunny one is the most likely to work (unless the girl's already heard it before). A close second is the one Kai used at the end. But, honestly, my advice is not to use pick-up lines at all. They're kind of annoying. That's just my opinion, though. I don't really know what all the other girls in the world think. Anyways, review, everyone! 

Proofread? Nope.


	27. Away

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 27: Away**

Kohari: Once again, the usual site with a little bit of my own creations. Just like with the answering machine messages, these are basically to keep you all entertained while I find something better to type up. lol (Sorry so short!)

* * *

These are the boys' usual Away messages on their Instant Messengers: 

**Kai  
**"A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend!! Yes You!! YOU CAN KISS MY a$$!! I mean, come on. Do you honestly think I want YOU to know where I am?"

Another **Kai  
**"Guess where I'm not."

**Hilary  
**"to say this now I must regret,  
but this away message has been set.  
off doing something i'll tell you about,  
but in the meanwhile try not to pout.  
hold on tight and you will see,  
that this lil cutie will be back in 3!?!"

Another **Hilary**  
"I'm not a complicated woman. I'm just good at complicating things

**Tyson  
**"Hello all. How are you? I'm obviously not here, but don't worry! Don't be sad - never fret! I'll be back. Maybe in a minute, maybe in two. I'm just taking a short break from this computer for what ever reason. So maybe while I'm gone, you should eat some cheese. Did you know cheese is good for you? Take French for example...the Bri kind...yummy yummy. well anyway. I am going to be back soon. very soon. and by the time your done reading this, ILL BE BACK! so hang tight...or hang ten? I'll be back! which may or may not be a good thing ;)"

**Kenny**  
"Error 405: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot (y/n)?"

Another **Kenny**  
"gone (gon), adj. 1. departed; left. 2. lost or hopeless. 3. ruined. 5. that has passed away; dead. 6. past 7. weak and... You get the idea."

**Max**  
"I don't know why I put this Away message up. People like you still IM me anyway."

**Ray/Rei  
**"'Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.' Remember that while you're waiting for me to come back!"

**Tala  
**"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman"

**Brian/Bryan**  
"Hello. I would talk to you, but I was always taught not to converse to people who were inferior to me. So, you have my sincerest apologies."

**Enrique**  
"Hey, you have just tried to IM me without success. I left becuase...  
1.) This Convo. Stinks  
2.) You bored me into doing homework.  
3.) Something interesting is going on somewhere else.  
4.) I hate you.  
5.) I would rather watch an aritifical plant grow.  
6.) Sorry, but you just bore the Hell out of ME!!!"

Another **Enrique**  
"Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean I don't. So you have fun there on your computer waiting for me to come back, while I'm out with this hot chick I met at the cafe this afternoon."

Yet another **Enrique  
**"I'm not at my computer right now, but if you need to get up with me, call your girlfriend's cell phone."

**Oliver  
**"C'est la vie, ma cherie. I'm not here, but I am near. Alors, attends-moi. I'll be back before too long."

**Robert**  
"I am a very busy and important person. As such, I put up this Away message as a way of screening IMs to avoid conversing with the uncouth population. So, IM me. If you're important, I'll respond. If I don't...well, I'm sure you'll understand."

**Grandpa**  
"Is this what I'm supposed to do? I don't know how to work this thing!" (He's not very tech-savvy, is he?)

**Emily**  
"Let's see. I've practiced my beyblading, cleaned my room, gone shopping, gossipped wth my friends, did my homework...Ya know, this list doesn't say that I'm required to talk to you."

**Daichi**  
"Directions: Pour milk, Devour, Repeat. (Go ahead, bond with your breakfast)"

Another **Daichi**  
"Food...Git in ma belly!"

**Michael**  
"Baseball is life."

**Andrew**  
"How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you..."

**Johnny**  
"How about a little less questions and a little more shut up? I'm away. Live with it."

Another **Johnny  
**"Do you honestly think I care what you have to say? So stop IMing me! If the first 25 times don't work, chances are the next won't either!:

* * *

Kohari: Anyways, review, everyone! 

Proofread? Is it ever?


	28. Holiday Office Memo

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 28: Holiday Office Memo**

Kohari: Sorry it's so short. I've just been caught up in so much college school work...Hopefully I'll be able to figure out some stuff over the winter break coming up soon. But I doubt that anything will be up before next week, considering exams are all this week. Once again, I apologize for the wait and the short length of the chapter. Enjoy!

Note: By the way, I got this off of a myspace bulletin.

* * *

To: All Employees  
From: Managements  
Subject: Office conduct during the holiday season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council):

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing "Jingle Bells" on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long-distance bill).

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

* * *

Kohari: Anyways, review, everyone!

Proofread? Not this time.


	29. Santa's Announcement

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 29: H****o****l****i****d****a****y A****n****n****o****u****n****c****e****m****e****n****t**** f****r****o****m**** S****a****n****t****a ****C****l****a****u****s****e**

Kohari: Even though I didn't get as many review for the last chapter as I usually shoot for, I'm updating ahead of schedule. I saw this cute bulletin on myspace, and I just had to share it with y'all. Hope you like it as much as I did!

Note: I really should be working on my final grade essay for English...oh well.

**

* * *

**

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave Coca-Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. Ford and Chevy logos with lights that race through the letters and a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids look the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree, if you know what I mean.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It"

Sincerely Yours,  
_Santa Clause_  
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Merriest of Christmases and Happiest of New Years…

* * *

Kohari: Don't forget to read and review! (If I get enough reviews, I'll post again before this weekend.) 

Proofread? Sorta.


	30. Holiday Diet

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors  
Chapter 30: Tyson's Holiday Diet**

Kohari: A funny little e-mail I got that I had to share. This diet reminded me of Tyson's eating habits, and I thought it would be perfect to put under JCM. Please keep in mind that I do not own the Oreo or Sara Lee or any other company brand name, so don't sue me. Enjoy the fic!

Note: Wow...y'all review quick! I'm gonna run outta Christmas themes! lol

**

* * *

**

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress, paranoia, depression, and delusion during the holidays...

**Breakfast**:  
1/2 grapefruit  
1 slice whole wheat toast  
8 oz. skim milk

**Lunch**:  
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast  
1 cup steamed spinach  
1 cup herb tea  
1 Oreo cookie

**Mid-Afternoon snack**:  
The rest of Oreos in the package  
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream  
1 jar hot fudge sauce

**Dinner**:  
2 loaves garlic bread  
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke  
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza  
3 Snickers bars

**Late Evening News**:  
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

**RULES FOR THIS DIET**:

-If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.  
-If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.  
-When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.  
-Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and cheesecake.  
-If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.  
-Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. (ex: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls)  
-Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.  
-Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.  
-Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. (ex: spinach and pistachio ice cream)  
-Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.  
-Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.  
-Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER! STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS

* * *

Kohari: Review please! (I'm thinking about posting some JCM Christmas Carols, so any requests you have, please send them in your review. Thanks!) 

Proofread? Kinda sorta.


	31. Storytime Part One

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors****  
Chapter 31: Storytime! (Part 1)**

Kohari: I'm so sorry, guys. If you read my profile, you'll understand why I haven't updated in a while. (I don't recommend going to college if you're a lazy person like me. Lol). Anyways, I have a few more weeks of summer before college starts back up, so hopefully I can get some more chapters in. In the meantime, I can only apologize.

Disclaimer: I don't think I have to remind you that I do not own any copyrighted works mentioned in this fic, but I will anyway. Oh, by the way, I give credit to www. Bored. Com for this.

Note: This chapter is probably not good for children.

* * *

'The dojo is so boring,' Tyson couldn't help but think as he used the Chief's laptop (Dizzi) to log onto the internet. Being bored, he went to a search engine. Boredom was also the reason Tyson decided to search "bored".

To Tyson's surprise, there was actually a website that came up: bored-dot-com (figure it out). Of course, because he was bored, he clicked the link to check it out.

Am I stressing the fact that he's bored enough?

On this site, Tyson found a "Create a Story" link in the Kids' section.

How this works: You're given a page filled with word categories. You may choose any word to put into blanks. After this step, the site uses those words by putting them into a random story, creating a funny, unique-ish story.

Here is what Tyson filled in…

Adjective: stupid  
Adjective: horny  
First Name (female): Hilary  
Plural Noun: orgasms  
Number: 4  
Adverb: quickly  
Adjective: supple  
Adjective: ugly  
Noun: dick  
Plural Noun: thrusts  
Plural Noun: blankets  
Verb Ending in "ING": screwing  
Plural Noun: fucks  
Noun: bed  
Verb Ending in "ING": sucking  
Noun: dildo  
Noun: condom  
Plural Noun: toys  
Noun: lingerie  
Noun: clothes

(Can't imagine what he has on the brain...)

Here is the story Tyson wrote (in a sense):

**Breaking Weather Report**

(to be read dramatically)

"We interrup this **stupid** broadcast to bring you a/an **horny** news bulletin. Hurricane **Hilary**, with gusting **orgasms** clocked at **4** miles an hour, is hammering the **quickly** populated Florida coast. This **supple** storm has left **ugly** devastation in its wake. The National **dick** Bureau reports that in Miami windows have been blown out of fifty high-rise **thrusts**, showering the streets below with pieces of broken **blankets**. The howling winds have reduced a newly built **screwing** center to **fucks**. Police report a seven-ton railroad **bed** was lifted off its track and sent **sucking** into a three-story **dildo**. Fortuneately, there have been no casualties. Nevertheless, the Governor has declared a/an **condom** of emergency and advised all **toys** to seek safety ni a/an **lingerie** shelter. And now back to your **clothes** in progress."

Tyson burst into laughter following this story, and ran to get his teammates to come read it in the hopes that they, too, would create a story.

Kohari: Sorry that was so short guys. I'll use two bladers instead of one next time. Just tell me who you want to write a story, and if you want, you can also list what you think they'd put into the story generator. In the meantime, I continue to apologize for the long length of time I left y'all waiting and the shortness of the chapter, and I hope you thought it was pretty good. Review, please!

Proofread: No.


	32. Dream Analysis

**Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors****  
Chapter 32: Dream Analysis**

**Kohari:** Yeah, I know, it's been, like, forever, huh? lol. Sorry, I had a few problems with my fiance (ex-fiance, damn cheating bastard son-of-a...well...you get it). Anyways, after that, I was kinda depressed for a while, but now on my meds so WHOO! ...Okay, so I'm a little hyper. I blame the meds. I love meds...you can blame everything on them. =P. Anyways, I'm gonna come up with something just off the top of my head because I have a half hour before my best friend gets done with her college class so we can go to lunch!

Added Disclaimer: We all know I don't own anything, so no suing me for mentioning outside works of literature/art.

* * *

"Guys?" Max broke the silence in the dojo. As always, the boys were bored, sprawled out on the floor, doing whatever they could to keep their minds off of their boredom. Of course, Kenny and Kai had tried several times to get them to train, but of course, training wasn't fun. Boredom was more fun than training.

"What?" Everyone asked in unison. They didn't really care, but they were all bored.

"I had a weird dream last night," Max informed everyone, without detail.

"What about?" Ray wondered aloud.

"I dreamed...about a crab."

"Is this a Dane Cook joke?"

"No. I seriously had a dream about a crab," Max protested. "Doing kung fu, like on that bored-dot-com video."

"Okay..."

"Is this going anywhere important?" Kai snapped.

"Well, the crab was on a rooftop in France," Max elaborated.

Kenny didn't know much about dreams, so he went to bored-dot-com and checked out their dream interpretation. "Here's what it says about your dream!"

**Your Dream:** crab doing kung fu on rooftop in France

**Words like crab:** They relate to love affairs. This dream portends to lovers a long and difficult courtship. Also, avoid rivals.

"That's not much of an interpretation," Tyson pointed out.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Ray sniped.

"I was just making an observation!" Tyson whined.

"Well, we can always figure it out on our own," Kenny suggested.

"That's a great idea! Chief, you're a genius!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Kenny said.

Tyson flipped him the bird and then started analyzing the dream. "Okay, so crab means love."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," everyone chorused.

"Man, screw all y'all."

They only laughed.

"Crab means love, and France is the city of love," Kenny began.

"We're going to France for a tournament next week, right?" Tyson checked.

"Did Oliver start another one of those?" Max asked.

"It's a monthly thing, I think," Kenny confirmed.

"So it's like a period?" Tyson interjected.

...akward silence...

"Sure," Kenny said. "Okay, so we've determined that you'll find love when we go to France next week. What does the kung fu mean?"

"Well, we're going and fighting with beyblades," Kai put in his two cents.

"You're actually participating in this?"

"Yes. None of the rest of you has enough sense to make logical conclusions out of completely and totally ludicrous things."

"What does the rooftop mean?" Tyson asked.

"We're gonna be high when we meet," Max joked.

"Haha," Tyson laughed sarcastically. "Seriously, what does the rooftop mean?"

"Make something up. That's what the rest of us are doing," Ray suggested.

"You haven't contributed to this at all," Tyson pointed out.

"Well, rooftops are stereotypically dark and spooky because that's how they're portrayed in movies," Ray began slowly.

"Oh, vocabulary word!" Max gave him kudos for that.

"Nice," Tyson agreed.

"So maybe the chick's gonna be dark and creepy. I dunno," Ray gave up.

"Like a vampire?" Tyson chimed in.

"Yeah, sure, Alice Cullen."

Twilight fangirls perked up their ears at the sound of a Cullen's name. "Alice?"

"Why are there a bunch of fangirls at our dojo door?" Max wondered aloud.

"Are they back again? I knew they couldn't stay away for long." Tyson smoothed out his hair.

"They're not here for us. You guys mentioned a very popular teen book. Of course fangirls would come crowding around," Kenny stated.

"Believe what you want, Chief. They're here to see me, the World Champ!" Tyson struck a few poses, causing the girls to run away. Not many girls like Tyson...

"So...what's the conclusion, Kai?"

"Max is gonna meet some girl in France who's dark and creepy, and they'll fall in love. The end. ...Maybe she'll bite him and get him off our hands."

"But I don't wanna sparkle!" Max complained.

"You'll get over it," Tyson said dryly.

"Girls like diamond skin. It's all the rage amongst Twi-" Kenny tried to say, but...

"Don't say it!" Ray tried to stop him. But it was too late. The word "Twilight" escaped his lips and they were all swarmed with a bunch of fangirls.

* * *

Kohari: Sorry so short. I only had a half hour. Anyways, tell me what you think, and send in some dreams for me to interpret 'cause next time's gonna be even better! Also, send in some words you want Max, Ray, and Kai to use when creating stories. I'm gonna be doing some updating soon (hopefully), so make sure you review and keep checking back!


End file.
